Ever since that day.. the day when i waited the whole day just for an answer... but yet didnt receive any.. that i felt so lethargic in everything i do. No more drive. No more motivation. No mood. No energy. Maybe i shldnt ask anymore. And just let it drag. Maybe i shldnt be so enthusiatic. Shld just ignore.. shldnt even bring it up.

I feel so upset...... couldnt fall asleep every night even when my brain wasnt thinking of anything.... i just cant fall asleep....

I wanted to ask. I wanted to talk about it but i got cold shoulder and no response......

Haix haix haix haix...

How cld someone not know why he or she call the other party...... haix..

I feel so tired... so sian... it feels like my family dont even understand me at all. Dont even give me any chance to explain myself.

Ive let down my pride and starting talking yet all i got was rubbish..

Im so tired... really tired. I wish i can just ignore everything but i cant... it is my family that i am talking about.... i really cant... feels so upset now.. so so tired...

It feels so terrible... all my drive seems to be killed and gone...
Things taught are forgotten and were claimed that i didnt teach anything.....
U even claimed that udk what im doing.. how could that be... im doing work beside u. And now and then, you would turn and ask what im doing. Hello? Isnt it obvious ???? Zzz.
All the shit all drop down from the top.all the frontline ppl only knows how to come to me even after i directed them to the person in charge. They wld also expect me to ask the person on their behalf. Zzzz
Im so tired of all these nonsense.

Im so tired at times.... work is giving me alot of shit. Im trying to handle the stress and the grievences that i felt at work.. luckily i have gym that helps me to destress healthily. So much that ive grown a liking to it. I felt better after a run...

When i got home from work, it should be a home where i wont feel those stress. But somehow.... i felt worse at home. People get angry with me for no reason. Those favouritism... sometimes.. i felt like the ppl closest to me ... dont even unds how i feel. I dont need u to unds me. I dont need u to ditch the favouritism... i just need u to unds that i dont get angry for no reason. And just get angry at me.. even if things get better that day, i wont even know how long it will last. I dont even have the energy anymore... to hope that it will last. Im pretty certain that things will revert to its worse self after a few weeks or even a week later...

All these.... r really exhausting me..

My heart really hurts when u told me to cry....

I kept thinking about this recently......
If i really were to only take care of my family for the short run.... idk how i can even bear to take care of them for a while and then let them go back to fend for themselves at an older age...

At their current age... i alr bu fang xin about them.. sometimes... the kind of attitude i received and conflicrs... is nth if i can take care of them.. it just dont feel right for them to take care of me till i grew up and left them alone..

This reminded me of my grandmother.. all the kids grew up and stayed with their own family. Only her youngest son stayed with her. She often missed breakfast as she has no strength to go out to buy and there is no one to take care of her...

Thinking of this... how could i even bear to leave them alone...? Sigh...

Why must people keep bringing up the past....... what is in the past shld just let it be. Please stop digging and opening my old wound.

And why cnt ppl just try to understand me more ? Im trying but im very stressed up at work.. why cnt ppl just ask me if everything is ok before any assumption? Im stressed. And if im stressed..... i rly dk how i look like to others.. my mind is full of other thoughts.. please just..... understand....

I feel so blessed to have u in my life :))))

Why do i always have to ask questions so many times before u answer me... :'( else if i stopped asking again, u will conveniently change topic.... :'(:'( then when i changed my tone as i was feeling very upset and ur tone changed... it sounded like u r irritated or trying to scold me :'( :'(

Guess that i didnt go to bed with a happy mood last night.. it has been long since i last cried in my sleep...

I have missed both chances this year. hope that it will reappear one year from now.

New opportunities arise... Making my decision waver though i more or less know what i am going to choose. I would like to embark on the path of my interest but the other opportunity seems to be much better. I am very aware that it is not easy for fresh grads to enter that field, esp when the boss is very willing to groom me. heh. at least, that's what the agent told me.

I have two choices:
1) Go with a reputable bank and allow them to groom me. I will be embarking on the analyst role from now.
Cons: No offer but likely to have (as of what the company said)

2) Continue with my current interest and slowly climb up.
Cons: Offered but it will take a while for me to climb up. Maybe 3 - 5 years? Not 100% chance of being able to climb up but at least, there is a chance for me.

Anlyst role dont come easy and it is challenging. Tried similar role before and quite like it.

Likewise for my interest-- Not easy to get in. Have never tried my interest before and also not sure if i will like it in future.

I'm more inclined to continuing my path of interest but find it a pity to give the other up....

What shall i do? haix. *poke blue black*

on a side note, i am very grateful for all the help that i have gotten. I am also very grateful to the opportunities that came out of nowhere, especially when it is near impossible for someone with my course of study to have... Thanks. :)

Feels so irritated . So useless.. to fall and i have nowhere to move or cushion the fall...

People just dont understand....

i hate it.... it feels like im wasting my own time.....

Im so afraid of not being able to deliver my work.... i tot ytd would be able to at least do some but i was wrong... im so stupid. I cldnt find that coding which was alr insidr.... :(:(:(:(:(

It hurts so much.... when u said to meet or do sth and conveniently forget abt it. Then asked me what happened after that... or worse still.... asked me if u promised to meet..

I brouught it back for nth. Thought for once, that my bag will be light for one day...

Somehow.... things just changed. Somehow... u werent as observant as u used to be.. maybe... im the one who changed.. maybe... it is me that expects u to be the same.... maybe... im expecting more.... but i somehow... cant help it but felt the change.... feeling so depressed...