i feel so empty inside me now .

and ironically, i feel so lonely now .

it's not cos i dun feel the presence of anyone beside me now ..

it's just , i felt so empty inside out .

on e other hand, phone is seemingly working fine aft the repair but when i restarted my phone , the issue still remains .

maybe i shld monitor for a few more days .

i'm just so tired of gng bak down to request for repair again cos the sla is actually 1 wk rather than 1-2 days as claimed from dem .

i need my phone's cam for my sch work ..

and now, the wifi and mms ain't working well ...

i rly wonder why .

luckily someone is dere to hlp ..

and this made me ponder why someone else is always dere for me and u aren't ..

i noe that i always dun expect much ..

i just want u to be dere , (not always physically) when i rly need someone .

sometimes, u r dere but u always replied me in such tone that sounded equivalent to u being absent ..

the feeling is just so not explainable that idk hw to express out how i'm actually feeling ..

right now , we are both busy wid sch work .. it cld be a blessing in disguise as u can no longer say that "u r busy" though that is the truth because u r busy as well ..

i can feel so much relieved from the feeling of being "accused" of not accompanying u and making u feel as if u r single/ feeling the sense of loneliness, no different from the past .

this made me recall wad u said previously ..

it still hurts, u noe ?

maybe, i'm still fated to feel lonely after all, like wad i've always felt :)

talking to nic reminds me of wad happened previously ..

sometimes, it rly sets me thinking ...

gals need rly simple things like sense of security, assurances ..

why wld guys not understand ?

issit cos they dun understand or cos they dun bother understanding ??

we always put ourselves inside their shoes and i wonder for a moment if they did do such things ...

i noe that i have been slacking alot , to prevent myself from from being stressed up ..

alot of ppl cnt do their cprog test ..

though i used this to console myself, i noe perfectly well that i shld be able to do it if i were to practise more and harder ...

i need to buck up alr ..

shall use this recess week to rly buck up and chiong ..

i believe that i can do it de :)

jiayou ....

"if that's how u feel, i cant do anything to it". this is the sentence that hurt me the most , ever.

u are the one that can affect my mood and actually determine my mood of the day and yet u say this..

it's the fifth time alr . will it happen every single day ?

i'm super ..... sad ..

cher eng , stop being so naive . stop trying to think that YOU can actually cheer him up .

if he is sian , he will definitely be sian .

even if u try to put ur work aside and talk to him on the phone , you still have no idea of wad to talk to him :)

u will still make him sian.

dun be so naive alr .

u r nobody . u r nth :) u dun have the power to cheer anyone up , esp him

u are busy . u have no time . no matter how much u try to rush ur revision and work , u r still busy ..

dun be naive anymore .

u r a stupid gal :)

"my fren kept asking where u are. ask until i pekchek"

"oh hmm .. den wad did u say?"

"say u r busy lor . u are always so busy"

"but i'm not always busy ma .."

"you are always busy . but when u r not busy , i am busy. when i'm not busy, u r busy"
" hmm .."

idk wad to say .. sighs ..

u knew that i'm busy and kept saying that i'm busy .

i noe i am.. it's not as if i want it ..

but if u understand , why keep harping on it and made us so sian ?

i tried talking to u though i'm busy now and trying to rush my work and yet u kept sounding so sian . sighs ..

do u have any idea of hw i feel when i tried to lengthen the conv and tried to keep talking but all i received was a one word reply ?

i tried putting myself in ur shoe that i decided to ignore everything else and tried talking agn , but all i received was the same treatment .

i dun need any monetary awards nor any gifts from u .

all i want was a normal conv like before and no attitude from u .

issit so difficult to achieve ?

or issit cos i expected too much ?

i noe i shldn't be ranting too much over here cos i dun like ppl to noe too many things but , dere is only a few ppl whom i've given my blog link to and i doubt that they'd ever read this .

so it's fine i guess ?

and oso , it could be me giving an attitude reply or a seemingly-attitude reply ????

i no longer noe wad to say , wad to think or wad i shld be feeling .

i only noe that i want u to be happy but u seem to be sian all day long .

so i tried to talk more to u but i received sian-ned replies and even one word replies.

idk wad to continue but i didnt wanna give u one word reply too cos i dun like ppl giving those kinds of replies

knowing that u were at home the whole day , i tried to rush my work and meet u when i'm so beat aft sch but all i saw was ur sianned face .

not even a single smile .

maybe that could be the reason why i feel so happy even when i saw one smile from u .

and , i want u to rest early cos it's good for ur health ..

but u kept telling me that u cnt fall asleep ..

i want u to have proper meals and take care of urself more but u kept telling me that u have no choice and need to work .

i noe and i'm aware of that .

but , issit so difficult to treat urself slightly beta ?

at least, have proper meals to keep ur day gng .

wait . i guess that my life totally revolves ard u .. this feeling sucks cos u ain't happy most of the times .

this is equivalent to me not being happy most of the times too ..

i've nvr ever tot that someone's feelings can affect me so much .

not even my frens nor my ex ..

they are capable of affecting me for awhile, only.

different culture , like wad my fren used to tell me in my poly life ?

different thinking , definitely .

i initially wanted to rush part of my work and meet u aft that ..

but i guess that dere is no longer a need for this , since u said that i gave u such a reply.

maybe i did give an irritating reply but if u rly noe me well , u wld noe that i dun have any of such intention . u may tell me that u noe . but if u noe , u shld understand . wait , i shldn't have wished that u'd understand .

but , wad i knew was , the replies that u gave were obviously irritated ones .

i decided to off my phone and charge cos it's left wid 1%. (that's my habit to off phone when it's charging)

aft awhile , i decided to on it and charge just to reply u and try to cheer u up .

once again , i received a one word reply .

i tried to talk sth else but dere isn't any reply thereafter .

feeling disappointed , i off my phone again ..

i feel so terrible now . i noe i shldn't ..

i noe i cnt afford to .

but i cnt help it .

and this is the fourth time ..... that i .......... (u noe .. wait . u duno)

if you noe that ur temper is bad , den jolly well curb it

if you noe that u lack in patience , den jolly well change urself !

idk if i'm that persistent or that i just have that much faith in u .

when high hopes turned to disappointment ..

maybe i shldn't have hoped that u wld always talk to me nicely .

i'm of cos aware that some ppl will tend to have lower patience talking to ppl whom they are closer wid .

i need ...to stop thinking ...so much

tdy is my bday!! ^^

saw alot of wishes in fb and hp :P

for the first time, so many ppl wished me face to face .

normally i will be at home during my bday cos it always falls on my exam period . LOL

and coincidentally, my lab partner has the same bday as me . HAHA

this is the first time i wished someone happy bday on my bday :p

anw , ziyu got me a gift . thanks fish !

had a super long day tdy , till 7.30 pm

while otw bak home , i was sooooo beat but idk why i have this particular hunch .

i actually felt that u will come and look for me.

but i reached pr and felt that it might be impossible .

i kept telling myself to not think so much cos i dun wanna have a false hope .

i just walked super slowly while walkin back home

just when i reached my hse , my phone rang

u called and told me to go out of my hse

dere u r , standing right in front of me . LOL !

omg , i didnt noe that my hunch could be that accurate !!

not totally surprised though.

but definitely felt v happy :)

thanks alot :)

and oso , i've quitted SH for quite a while le .. no pt stirring rumours agn and say "she is ur fav" LOL ! wad a joke leh , guys .

and , my gums hurt :/

that made me not have appetite for food recently .

sometimes, i can just feel hungry but cnt force the food into my mouth .

so , i just abandoned the thought of eating .

and i only have one meal tdy ;/

ain't feeling well recently .

gums pain and having lesser and lesser time to slp .

cos , i have loads of things to do

mechanics/phy.

matlab,

origin,

lab,

report,

calculus,

forensic science recorded lecture (to listen)

and some others which i cnt recall now .

i cnt believe that i teared agn over .... .... . it's the 3rd time alr i guess (if i didnt rmb wrongly)

i'd still wanna talk things over , each time it happened .

and oso , i hope that things will be resolved . i rly hope so .. if that is the best solution out , i hope that they wld become happier doing that decision. i have no say abt it actually . but wad i can do is to try to advise