sometimes , i rly wonder if im expecting too much or being too critical. i tried to not get affected by the words that u said cos i noe that it's ur character but i failed to do so. i noe that u do care for ppl but the words that u said really kinda disturbed me. cos it seems as though u r blaming me. esp this sentence "you are being irresponsible to your tummy".
i didnt.. if i did, i wldnt have cut down alot of chili this year. i didnt touch dem when they are just in front of me cos im concerned abt my health. i noe that given my condition, im not supposed to touch chili at all.. but sometimes, i still eat dem cos i forgot. esp ytd. maybe i expected too much. i shldnt even hoped that someone wld tell me to take care.. maybe i shld rly drop that criteria in anyone.. no more sadness den.
or maybe im being too sensitive.

tried to sleep but my mind was being noisy. my head is really hot now.. eyes all red.. it seems as though dere are two voices talking to me.
one told me that i shldnt be too petty. shld just smile it off and ignore the things that hurt or even annoy me. even if they are accusations.. and that i was being too critical and sensitive. i know jolly well her character. i do noe that she do care alot abt ppl . i shldnt be affected by this.

another one just told me that she was being too insensitive. she shldnt kept chiding me but hope that i can attend the dinner later. i should just tell her how i feel rather than controlling dem and just replied "..." cos i was upset. it is not as if i did it on purpose. it isnt the first time that her words affected me. dere's once where i was really irritated cos of her accusations and that i just walked away and tried to put on a smile. really forced it out.  and she ended up being annoyed cos i walked too fast and blamed me for it.

so wad is wad? just wad kind of a person am i ? i really have no idea. maybe wad i think of myself is different from wad i really do. maybe my forced smile still cnt cover the annoyance and even the sadness that i faced. maybe i really should just smile no matter wad happened and talk less.. just to avoid conflicts as much as possible. i really tried very hard to do this. not that im trying to put on a facade but rather, trying to reduce the damages to the minimum. having said so much, i dun even noe how to put it across to u. i dun blame u for the things u said but i really got affected more and more by the things that u told me at times. yes, maybe my communication skills really sucks. so that's why i cnt even express myself, dun even dare to say, for fear of more misunderstandings.
if i were to tell u the last sentence, i expected to hear u say "just say lah. just shoot me only". but if u do noe me, u wld noe that i seldom shoot ppl. i rather talk nicely to dem in private. cos i dun want any awkwardness unless they really pissed me off that much or even if that person is just some random strangers that i cnt even accept his/ her certain behaviour...

i dislike it when u just shoot ur mouth off without considering what the other party will feel.
i dislike it when i got hurt , misunderstood, accused and yet i duno how to say it out for fear of more misunderstandings
i dislike it when i force myself to forget the things u said just cos it's ur character to just say things out and forget abt dem in the end.
i dislike it when i am good frens wid u and yet didnt dare to be closer and kept trying to keep that small distance away
i dislike it when i told sth to my fren and ended up fearing that she might say dem all out
i dislike it when i have so much fear and yet didnt noe what i should be doing
i dislike it when i always duno how to express myself.
i dislike it when ppl dun understand how i am feeling and kept telling me things on how they feel
i dislike it when ppl tried to change my opinion based on what they see and not putting demselves in my shoe
i dislike it when i tried so much to understand and empathize and ended up being more unhappy.
i dislike it when i wanted to help but yet i didnt want to get involved in it
i dislike it when i am in a dilemma
i dislike it when i feel so stupid when im at a loss of what is the right way of handling things
i dislike it when i can only "feel" after being in one
i dislike it at the thought that i am hurting so many ppl
i dislike it when im so confused
i dislike it when i forget wad i have said
i dislike it when i cnt put my thoughts in proper words and ppl have the other meaning
i dislike it when so many things seem to be happening
i dislike myself..

i want everything to be back to the way to where they were before.

i really wonder where is this bringing me to ..
have no ans now.

SMILE
SMILE
SMILE
SMILE
SMILE PLS

i hope no one sees these few posts.. i rly feel stupid right now

i rly duno wad on earth am i thinking or feeling now .
i feel like such an idiot.

i feel so weird to have wasted my day away today. kept wanting to break out the WHOLE DAY. wts is wrong wid me. initially had alot of plans.. alot of looking forward. so much that i even told my mum wad i will be wearing ... 

where is my happy pill :(

i feel really awful today. shall cry myself to slp tonight.. i may seem weak and like a crybaby but this is one of e things i do when im sad though im not able to cry normally...

didnt feel that same kind of weirdness anymore. think that the presence was due to exam stress that i felt awful for everything that has happened. just had this thought instead today. "wad's the big deal? i will only feel happy for u if u've rly changed" doubts cleared. happy for that . table cleared of study materials as well :D hehe

i rly nid time to think thru certain things..things that i have no idea why im feeling this way. these emotions that r suffocating me.. so unbearable.

looks like i heven fully recovered?
i think i rly nid some time for isolation..

mum was worried that i might fall sick that she was happy when i decided to stay at home instead of gng out to study today.
she wants me to be back home early so that i can have sufficient rest.
it's these little little concern that warms up my heart.
i dun need monetary things.

it's just like those effort that people put in.
i can sense it.
i can see dem for myself though i normally dun mention abt dem.
so long as i noe of their existence, isn't it?
even if anyone failed to cheer me up, i wun feel disappointed.
rather, i will be upset if they didnt even try.

im happy with the things around me.
im happy to have made these good frens and the people that i've interacted with.
these people include those that i didnt have good nor fond memories of.
it's these experience and type of people that made me cherish those good things that i have now and tell myself to self check, to not be the same as dem.

should get back to studies now. lol.
i need to score real well this sem as only 11 AUs are included in my gpa :(
though one is a SU-ed core.
a core that most people dreaded.
a core that more than 50% failed
a core that the mean and median are of a failing score.
a core that i didnt want to get a "U" grade in.
wish me best of luck.
else i'd feel so disappointed and keep feeling that my hard work dun pay off.
and that maybe i shldn't have studied so hard.

but after any negative thoughts, i will automatically self motivate myself to put in extra effort cos i dun want to have any regrets.
i alr have enough regrets in the past.
didn't want to add anymore inside my "regret" history

aaron: why shaowei look so fierce? he angry ah?
me: no la. stressed i think .
aaron: u not scared ah?
me: i am ! that's why my vision is always only u , xiang xiang and fish
aaron: oh
me: den me leh ? do i look fierce too ?
aaron: no.
me: *covers mouth and keke* den? aaron: stressed
me: *covers mouth agn and niggles* good hehe

and den aaron laugh at me :'(