I cant control. Oh dear...

After this sem, i find myself feeling sooo tired. Very exhausted. I want a break from everything. I need a long rest. I thought that working less than 10 days this mth would actually give me more rest , emotionally and physically but i still feel very tired. Whenever im home , i feel so tired. So so tired to even watch shows, send resume or email catering companies for food sponsors. I just dont want to do anything. I feel so lethargic, so tired, so restless. I want to find internship asap but whenever i find for online application, i feel so tired and reluctant to even go ahead with the application. I dont feel like doing any of these but i cant. One concerns my future and the other is my responsibility. Though i have sent around more than 50 companies, only 5 replied. All rejects. Im fine with reject but i just....want ppl to sponsor me so that i can sit back and rest.

Why am i so laid back ? I seldom feel this way. Whats wrong with me ... and i kept throwing temper like 2 days back. Well, girl's thing but....i felt so guilty doing so... i normally dont throw temper like this even if i dont feel well... i cant forgive myself throwing the tissue paper on the table , in front of you... i feel so....ill mannered. Whats wrong with me...

Idk why i feel so emo recently. I guess that it is due to the exam period ?? Kept emoing at night esp while walking home..

It is the 11-11 again . Wishing u a happy bday, cpy. I know u wont see this but still wanna wish u a happy bday. Be happy

You started nagging even before i left the house. To think that i still wanted to stay at home and keep u companion. It is because of this that i kept going out to study no matter how tired i am. It is like a torture to myself... really a torture... but i have no choice...

I... just wanted ur help in sth... but was disappointed to see u not helping . Asked and yet i was given that face... it really.... really made me real sad.. at that instant , i really wamted to go home asap ..
Oh crap.. idk why im so sad over a small issue.. i cant stop them frm flowing nw...

I have never felt so heart ache seeing an irritated face before... it aches so much that my tears just flow even after i tried to hold them back...

i know that i have been complaining alot. it is not that i love to complain. It is just that i want an outlet for my emotions. i cant always be complaining in my plurk :( sighs.i may end up irritating plurkers instead.

sometimes, i really wish that u would keep certain comments to urself. ur comments never fail to let me think abt them. it is not that i find them true, it is just that i find them absurd and kept asking myself if they are true or applicable to be used on me. sigh, i really want to escape from this uni. there is endless troubles. even ppl like J . We are all in the same team. so i expect u to tell me everything about the project. i dont want anything more to do with u . guys in physics course ? major turn off. i dont see anyone acting normally. i will go crazy one day or maybe be in the same level as them :( pfft. i seriously dont like all these. i tried to "back off" and ignore things but u have to give me stupid comments. can u just shut up !?

I think that it is very sweet when 2 strangers come together then become friends and then couple. The amt of info that they knew of each other just increased which added to the tacit agreement. :)) and after all these , they just decide to stay n leave a deeper footprint in each other's life

I have been thinking of what i would do if the names calling have been continuing and not ceasing. This wouldnt make me flare up cause i knew that i cant stop anyone from doing anything. I would just tell the person frm doing so. I think i have only told one person to stop doing it so far. LOL.

I have been thinking of what  are the possible things that would really make me flare up but cant rly think of any. But i guess that i would chide the person back if they were to bully my loved ones unless it is an obvious joke. Just dont go overboard will do. I can tolerate alot of things. Wouldnt get affected by it for long. :p hehe

I get angry with different situations and ppl. Two ppl can tell me the same thing at the same scenario but i would prob get upset or irritated with only one person.

I guess that i shldnt get irritated so easily.. im like giving u the full blow whenever im upset abt anything. Sigh

There isnt any feeling that is difficult to get passed because i know that u will be there for me :) thanks

Just realized that there is actually a meaning to my dreams. And i just realized that the meanings to them are simple and they have been persisting for veryyyyyy long. Glad that i dont have those dreams anymore. Yet, i have new sad dreams now. Dreams of not being able to find anyone or that those kins in my dreams are beyond recognition. They would just leave me wandering

feels so moody today :( finally know what to revise or study but... idk where to go this weekend. will be alone at home so might as well be alone outside. idk if mum will need my companion this sat. im so physically tired but dont dare to sleep more . it is cause of this that i will wake up in shock when i tried to take nap recently.

我喜欢看你笑 :)) 真的很喜欢

i hate ppl making assumptions. tsk.

and that's not all . i replied nicely to u though i felt really exhausted. and u had to give me an annoyed tone. so irritating -.- WHY IS EVERYONE ALWAYS LIKE THIS -.-

Why did things turn out this way ? I just want all of us to be happily together... talk and play like we used to. The lousy ah ba and the little kids. Is it so difficult to be achieved ? If u didnt run away in the first place , things will be fine . I will continue having my distractions from ppl unworth. Not only me but her. Sigh. It seems as if he didnt want to forgive. Lets hope things will be fine . Ive done my best to say what i could. Shall stop for the timebeing lest it backfires. U need to do something too. Maybe talk to it but not when we have midterms next week and the week after next :( sighs.

Everyone makes mistakes. So im gonna just tell myself to not be like u. Just gonna be good to my close friends :)

Detach myself from those that dont matter. Talk lesser, make lesser mistakes (or get shoot lesser. Lol) , receive lesser accusations. No matter how much i wondered why u classify ur behaviour or character as mine , i still couldnt decipher why. So just gonna leave it. I have more impt things to handle

I seriously dont like the way u talk to me. U seem very nice at times but u r irritating most of the times. One eg can be seen as follows.
Me: i dont feel like bringing anything to uss tmr.
U: can. Or u can put ur things with me.
Me: if im not bringing bag along , i wldnt bring anything on hand alr. Just like how i go work that time
U: *mumbles* aiya. Ur crow mouth. *shows ur signature face*
Me: *huh*?

I dont unds what u mean.

There are other times where u described me as urself. U r the one who suggested to take him to join us but yet u said im trying to use him. Like seriously ?

Giddy for a few moments and then headache. Then giddy again x.x

The more i need u with me physically, the more i pushed u away at times. Why ? Lol ! Weird. This has nvr happen to me before

maybe i'm just tired (i get sad and irritated easily when im tired)...
maybe i'm just feeling lonely...
maybe i'm just feeling bored...
maybe .... maybe ...
i have no definite ans .
or maybe  i'm just missing u so much that i feel so sad...

I cant stop myself from being sad. Oh no. What shld i do.... :(

I wonder whats wrong with me. My depressed emotion is suddenly triggered and i kept crying !!!! Tsk

Lack of vitamin d ? Always feeling tired in the day ? Maybe thats why i always wanna eat tuna . Hahahaha . But seriously , idk how to cure my qi xue bu zhu. Haix .

Why m i suddenly so emo? Why am i suddenly so sad ? Why do i siddenly recall the past ? Why am i crying now ??? :( haix....

I love conversations like that :p hehehe.

Well, i need to be more observant ;) and for frustration, i will change it. Wont suppress it but will change my thinking instead. Shall see if im successful ;)

I feel so stupid at times... i always let u 牵着鼻子走... :( haix... ur looks is really capable ur best facade. Im finding that u arent simple as i get to know u more and more now... the fear towards u increased again.. haix. Scary... ppl around me are scary...

sometimes, i really dislike the way u seem to judge me . i can sense it from the way u talk. u stopped me from explaining and continued with your own thinking. having a few exs before dont define anyone. dont u know that it takes 2 hands to clap? if the other party isnt doing anything to salvage the r/s, it wont last no matter how much one party tried doing sth about it. STOP JUDGING .

i want to buy hada labo hydrating lotion (toner) and bio essence miracle water :'( my facial prodcts are half used after like 1 to 2 mths

urgh ! i always get soft-hearted easily. i didnt want to work on national day but i felt bad cause there is a lack of staff on that day and i agreed to work. worked till only 5 pm as i want to see u that day :)

is everyone that pragmatic? does everyone have the tendency to make use of others as and when they can ? i couldnt forget what u've told me..

"i dont like him so i wont talk to him but if he is of use to me, i will talk to him." i was shocked hearing this sentence. i always knew that u take advantage of others to help u with ur stuffs but not to this extent. and then u continued "but there is xx talking to him now. i dont need to talk to him. got her can already" .


haix... :( im surrounded with such ppl. or am i such a person myself? i know that i am easily influenced... maybe i have been influenced that i didnt even know about it...

Not happy today and idk why...

I cant get rid of my low self esteem until i really feel good inside out.... haix

I feel that i have been throwing tantrums or temper at u... didnt say anything but i felt really bad deep inside. Always promised myself to treat u better the next time i met u so that i wont do it again...

But....i must console myself that my temper has become alot better as compared to last time. *grins* lol !!

I feel that my temper has worsened recently... i feel sian/irritated easily on certain things that ppl do or say that i wont feel irritated normally. I know that it is due to my lack of sleep but...i shldnt Use this as an excuse to throw my temper.. my behaviour may not seem bad to some ppl but it appears very bad to me. My temper seems to be at its maximum recently. Sighh.. i need to change my temper again

and, im finally getting better at knowing that someone is lying to me. im finally not as gullible. BUT, im still easy to lied to if i really choose to trust u instead of following my instincts :)

when i first gotten my work schedule for the month of july, i was devastated. i only had 9 days of work and was later told that another part timer had 22 working days. my boss said that all part timers were given around 9 to 11 working days to be fair. how fair can this be ?
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i thought to myself and felt that my month of july will be a very slacking and sad one. It was then i decided to look out for more jobs. went to different companies to register and start my events job.
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The first successful job that i went to was events catering at Vue 8. Didn't get to learn anything much there but saw the chef, eric koh. Kept walking throughout the whole event with a newly sprained ankle to give the guests drinks, collect the empty glasses and plates. Event ended at 11 pm but thankfully, it was located at pasir ris. .

The next successful job was the events catering job at Suntec. We were only required to put the food, drink, dessert and culinary into the boxes provided. Was then required to hand them out to the people that went for the talk. Ended my day with an hour of rest. Felt that the job was too slack till it appeared boring to me.
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Next up was the event near the flyer. i didnt know that i had to serve the minister till the day itself. Learnt the way to serve the food and drinks in a fine western dining area. I have always wondered on how they staff are able to carry two plates with one hand. Observed the way they did ytd and finally knew how. The instructions from the top management to us was considered good but not the supervisors under him. All of them gave us different instructions and expected me to collect 8 plates within a minute all by myself although he initially claimed that they will collect the dirty plates together. the supervisor at my table did not know what is teamwork. Despite so, i felt that it was a good training. I learnt the way of serving in a fine dining area and noticed their bad management. It was a good learning point to me. Also, i noticed how he tried to lie to us. it was a bit disappointing but i was fine with the pay. we were paid to attend an on job training course. so why would i want to complain about the pay? ;)
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For the next 4 weekends, i will be working at velocity for another events catering. i really wondered how the job will go. i hope that it wont be as tiring but more learning points for me ;)
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Seeing how things turned out to be, i was thankful that my workplace gave me so little working place at first. It was because of this, i get to see S's true colours. Finally, i dont have to talk and entertain her even though i was initially abit wary about her. if i were able to see her poor working attitude just by a glance of how she handled the guests, why wouldnt those in the office see the same thing too? maybe they did but oh well, who cares ? It was also because of the little working days that i started requesting to work for more days and take as many working days and hours to be extended as possible. i finally had the chance to work at the operation side. Worked a longer number of hours in a day instead. blessing in disguise ;) Outside this working place, i get to use my "map" application more often. It really harnessed my ability to look at it quickly. It also gives me a chance to look at areas that i dont even get to walk past or visit. i get to learn things that i have always wondered about. that's a first hand experience. and the laughable thing is, i have 4 companies/bosses for this mth-- sentosa, manpower, alpha manpower, the eleventh services :)
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and the most impt point it, there is always someone there to listen to my complains and experience. thankful for u being with me :)) hehe , my life is still considered good :))

seeing ppl have probs in rs made me sad :( i dont want mine to be the same... i want mine to last..... :(

:(

I'm so sorry.... :(

So tired of argument. Shall not make any comments already. To think that im not even allowed to make comment on ur bad tone. Tsk.

i have low self esteem. had a much lower one last time. so much that i didnt dare to look at ppl while walking along the street. sometimes, certain things that ppl said can evoke this bad feeling, "reminding" me that i have a low self esteem.. i had been trying to hold back and trying to make it not obvious..... :(

Idk why i couldnt fall asleep recently. Even if i do, i cant even sleep well. Sleeping on ur lap that day was one good time that i could fall asleep. Sigh

results gonna be out soon later. i really dont have any sense of anxiety to look at my results.... i really just feel so scared. i think i will swallow alot of b and b-.. im really scared.. and now , i was talking to aaron about my work. so sad that 4d cut short our working hrs. i cant survive with that.. i'm really really sad...

after finding the movie for soooo long , i finally found the finale ep for the season 4 of the vampire diaries at http://dynamic-videos.blogspot.sg/2013/05/watch-vampire-diaries-season-4-episode.html. LOL . it's so terrible

I need to give my emotions a rest.. glad to have u with me..

am i too harsh with my words? or was i too persistent with my opinions and thinking ? sighs. i think i have screwed things up..i shouldnt have said so much.....

18 AU s or 5 physics mod in a sem is really no joke. Sigh

Urgh !!!!!!

I feel so sad . So hurt. My heart hurts. It really hurts. It is bleeding...

i miss you. where are u?

i must jiayou. really must. i dont want to have any regrets :(

never felt so insecure in my results so much that i dont even feel like taking the exams. this is the first time i have such a negative feeling towards taking exams :( sighs. oh god. i'm really losing faith and hope in myself

This unexplanable bad feeling recently.... sigh. It is the exam period now. So please stop saying such topics to me. Im not interested

Idk why my head keep hurting...

I really need to stop it. Stop troubling u...no matter how much i want to see u... i need to curb it. Curb it. Curb it.......

I need to help jj with his problems. Hopefully i can. I really wish that i can help. Would need to focus on my studies again before my exams end. Need to meetup with this friend of mine too. Hopefully i will be able to help too.. haix. Im really worried about my exams. I dont want results to drop. Improve, please ?

Still trying to keep more comments to myself... sometimes, i really wondered to myself. How is being concerned and curious about someone considered digging out his rubbish to talk about? If the person is uncomfortable to saying anything, he can always stop me right ? It is like what i have been saying "u can always stop me from asking if u r uncomfortable in saying anything". Is that another accusation or just sth that i arent aware about.

I just want to stop caring about other things and study . My exams are coming. So jx, stop telling me about her for nw. Haix

My mid term results are a punishment for lack of practice, thinking and worrying too much about my clique probs and being lazy. Im not gng to be depressed though i know that i will feel sad about my results tmr. Im really going to buck up. Study study study. I hate myself for being so slack this sem. Wait, no hatred. Just jiayou

I have been feeling down since dont know how long ago... idk what can make me happy. Im only happy temporarily when i meet u.. but i know that we cant meet often. I dont want u to meet me often either. U have ur own things to do. I dont want u to jeopardize them cause of me. I cant be so selfish... but the biggest problem of all is, what are the things thats making me sad ? Friends ? Things that happened? Im really tired physically and emotionally. I have no energy to think... im just really tired of caring. It is not that i dont want to share my ans. I dont want to share my answers with those who aint worth me giving out so much. But thinking back, im not so heartless too. I will still send soln if they dont have any by the time i wake up to prepare to go school. When i was doing my midterm today, i really wanna sleep so much but my brain is thinking of what happened that day rather than thinking of what i have memorized. I can write them out fluently while revising but not under the condition of examination. What on earth is wrong with me ? Crazy ???? Sighs....

Idk why i am still thinking about it after it has happened for so long.... and there is so many other things in my mind other than that matter. :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

Why am i still thinking about what happened that day? :( sighs...

why do u choose to become close to someone? it is cause u like that person, right? why do people choose to be close to others just cause they feel that this person will help them when in need? and why do others chose to be close cause of other benefits? fish told me that there are a few ppl who chose to be close to us this sem cause we have a very smart senior who is willing to help us... i dont know if i should doubt this statement cause i do realize that they are close to us after we became close to this senior.... why is this world so complicated, confusing and pragmatic?

Helping people only makes me wanna vomit blood, taken for granted or be forgotten... sighs.... And idk why i have the tendency to not want to eat if no one eats with me...

u still dont really know what kind of a person i am nor my temper... im really disappointed in u... whenever things happened, u will jump into conclusion and deemed me straight away. i might as well dont have any emotion....

it is forever like this.... why...

why do i always feel so lonely at home? :(

sometimes, u wont get appreciated for helping.. and at times, u may get deemed if u were seen saying or reasoning with someone although u have the intention of helping that person to point out his mistakes and change. idk why im doing so much. i just cant stop myself from helping..... even though i've stopped helping alot of miles, im still putting myself at a disadvantage . that's even up to putting my results at risk based on the incident today. why are there so many things happening? im really really tired....

why do i feel like as if everyone's bullying me? :(

So it seems as if u r the only one who is able to have a bad temper or bad day outside and chide or say me when u r back. im not allowed to have times where i feel down, sad or even having a bad temper. Dont u know that i dont flare up easily ? Dont u know that my temper only gets bad when i have a lack of sleep or when i had a bad day outside ? Why is it that u r able to scold me and im not able to be sad or not want to talk? No matter what i do, u sure have sth to say me right ? No matter how i felt, u will never ask me whats wrong right ? No matter what, i will be the only person who gets all the scolding. But i should be glad that it is much better than last time. I used to be scolded when i didnt help out the housework... no one but me gets scolded. Only i have to do it. Im not supposed to feel sick, unwell or even busy. The only thing that i should do is do housework right ? Okay. I know.

Y m i crying myself to sleep again?? I need sleep badly.... else i think i will really faint. Those giddy spells aint helping.....

Idk what im thinking abt.... i feel so..... much like crying again...

Y am i suffering from heartpain ytd and today?:(

broken promise? or maybe it isnt a promise to begin with... why am i so sad. zzz

im so tired, tired of studying alien language. i feel so lonely... i could have gone out to study today. why didnt i ? why was i so lazy?? :( at least, i'd have a bunch of ppl in the library, though unknown, to study tgt...

Why are there so many irritating ppl beside me recently !? I emailed my bro that time and told him to help me print the latest two emails that i sent. Then i told him that the names are lala and :)2. Just because i didnt put open and close inveted commas, u assumed that i was joking with u and got angry . Then , u spammed me calls even when i told u that i was having lessons and could not amswer those calls. You still gave me this message "i am busy and yet you are not answering those calls". What attitude is this. I mentioned it clearly in my message to what emails to be printed out and u still want to ask me the same questions via phone call. U told me that u r busy. So am i right !? I was having my lab briefing . It isnt recorded and is considered a very impt briefing to me. Why are u so unreasonable and inconsiderate? So now, i sent u a file that is more than 25mb. Tried sending via gmail and it said that i had to send it via google drive to be able to send emails of up to 10gb. U told me that u cant open it. Fine. So i tried to compress using winrar. Then u said "i dont know if my office comp can open winrar. You have to try ur luck". So i suggested giving u the file using thumbdrive and u said "you cant expect me to bring the thumbdrive everywhere right. Unless u want it to be spoilt". Wts is this. It will only be spoilt if u dodnt take care of it right. Unless u want to throw it inside ur bag and take no care about it. I seriously dont know why i actually want to help u bring 4 heavy books to school tmr. i was afraid that ur bag will be heavy so i helped to carry the heavy ones. I didnt even complain and now u r complaining when i suggested u to help me take a small thumbdrive to work tp see if u can open the file and print it from there. Seriously, im so fedup with ppl like u. Even ppl like alvin , stanley and sw. Wts..

Why did i suddenly think about those things again?? I dont want to recall those nightmares... i need to wake up early :( dont want to be late for open house..

i feel so sad now .... :(

I dont know why things always turn out to be so bad... i dont want to have a phobia amd didnt want to go home like how i felt during my sec sch times... that will be so bad... :(