i've nvr have this feeling so strong before .

pls dun lemme have anymore nightmares alr .

if trying to clear misunderstandings by explaining is equivalent to finding excuses for things that ppl do , den it is beta to not explain nor say anything , isn't it ?

and if this happens , misunderstandings arise . so , it is beta for misunderstandings to occur ?

and music is my best companion tdy :)

to kip me out of distractions :D

but prob is , most of the songs in my list are emo ones .

though they are nice to listen to , my mind tend to wander off to alot of things ..

random ones and i cnt rmb wad are they now . HAHA .

bravo

all i nid is just one person whom i can talk alot of things freely to .

but i seldom feel comfortable wid ppl to tell dem alot of things .

i do tell ppl things but not alot . just abit here and dere ..

and i feel so happy singing now . :))

i want to go kbox !

but idk who is okay singing chinese songs wid me .

lazy to find ppl . :x

i think that my heart rly is numb wid u

cos i dun feel anything now .

just like wad i told someone previously .

:) it is a good thing i guess ...

this made me no longer feel so bothered by those childish acts of urs .

i noe wad i can do to make things be beta bt it cant be done most of the times due to many constraints .

this is where understanding comes into place .

i just dun want this "feeling" to tk over my whole heart such that i'd feel numb in everything ...

sth that i'd nvr say :))

*mediating* HAHA

why do i feel so weird ? lol .

(not talking abt anyone whom u wld guess)

it's someone whom u cant guess (i think)

trying to observe alot of ppl .

but sometimes when i look at dem , i tend to stare into space wid my glare on dem . lol !

my mind wanders off or just shut off cos i'm tired .

well , aft tdy , i realized that i can actually dun feel bu she de .

maybe i will if it really happens but , for now , i dun think i will .

the more bad i see in someone , the more i will feel numb .

it isn't worth having the 10th time to happen and so it didnt happen aft all i guess .

when i see certain comments now , i will go "i expected it . wad else can i do ? i've rly tried all the things tht i can .. u said that u will blame urself first when things happen but i dun see u reflecting on ur own actions . idk wad i've done are right but at least, i've tried my best and tried my best to let have anymore rooms for regrets . at least, i'm trying hard . i noe u r trying hard too ... trying hard to complain .... .... .... "

like i told my fren "i will consider if he tries changing his racism and temper but i rly doubt that he will" .. mcp will hardly change ...

i'm a crazily weird person cos i can actually wanna laugh when i see u being so unreasonable or immature.

miscalculated my waking up time and ended up 30 mins earlier in sch . slept for ard 20 mins while waiting for frens to arrive before doing work at forum . that place is quite conducive except for the stuffy smell inside . i suck at chap 8 . need to redo it maybe tmr :) shall do chap 9 now .. (after my forensic heroes) HAHA . i rly rly rly love that show and it rly made me feel more interested in forensic science . the scenes like the gun shot paths and the heated superglue rly reminds me of my lecture :))

and i'm actually motivated by "forensic heroes" and forensic science ... :p

At least i didnt score as bad as i "did" . Got almost full marks for almost all the questions except for two ... and scored 0 for one .. i wrote down the name of the rule to b used n didnt get any marks ... thanks fedor :x

Wait . Im supposed to self psycho . I can do it i can do it i can do it T.T

it is no pt working so hard for anything , isnt it ....

results is out .

i'm just being plain stupid . flat .

idiot -_-

i'm not strong ... nor am i optimistic but i'm trying to be .

sometimes , i'm trying to stay strong so that i can cheer my frens up .

but sometimes, when i start to think abt negative things , i cnt hlp but emo ...

i need to try to psycho myself every now and den like i used to

the thing that i told my mum still holds :)

i cnt be alone at home .. cos i'll keep thinking of those things and hinder wad i initially tot of ..

i noe that some ppl might not wanna talk to me anymore .

wanna say one sentence but doubt that i'll ever say it out .

anw , i'm rly getting used to it alr .. just a bit more time ...

and i'll rly be immune like i used to be

actually felt that i can give up ..

but part of me just dun wanna give up .

part of me is just waiting for miracle ..

part of me still cnt let go of the feelings .

i suddenly felt that i was just lying to myself by saying that to my mum .

sometimes, i can see certain things for myself .

but at times , i nid other ppl's judgement to make reference ..... ......

i dun think that i'd actually be writing this in my public blog , but still , i felt like writing it down here .

i seriously dun like u being mcp and a racist . tried telling u to think of ways at both sides and not just being so critical and judged all of dem for the same but u tot that i'm trying to argue ..... in the end , we ended up being unhappy instead of trying to sort things out .

and u always tells me to decide the venue myself . i tried to cos i noe that u r tired (but actually i am .. i noe that if i were to tell u that i am , u'd say that i dun work and will definitely have more time to rest .. but , i have alot of things to do ... dun wanna spend dem resting so much . i'm actually struggling , u noe ?) aft selecting the venue and gng to the place , u complained abt it at times . well , since u dun like that place , just tell me and we i can try choosing another place agn ...

and well , u have a bad temper .. did try telling u to change but u actually told me that u r born lidat ... haix , we seriously have so many differences in our thinking . and , u rly think weirdly .. so much that i rly duno how to reply . i wanted to try telling u how i feel but held back . cos , u'll think that i'm trying to argue and we will end up being unhappy ... which i rly dun want that to happen .

but , u do have ur good pts . i love the parts that u r being super efficient in work . and this is why , i dun have to worry abt u not being able to finish ur assignment/ work . but u duno hw to tk care of urself ... i just want u to have ur meals .. even if u dun have time , at least just tk some quick bites . at least have sth .. and it hurts me to see u reply "i'll see to it" when i told u to have ur meals . it just made me worry for u .

also, i do feel that u care for me . at least u bother to at least state abt some unhappiness u have (though we end up being more unhappy) but WAIT . pls dun misunderstand my meaning here . i do like u voicing out hw u feel and u shld voice dem out . like i always say , "even if we are not able to solve the issue, at least just voice it out so that we can understand wad is actually happening". and when u have probs , at least just lemme noe . that is wad i'm here for ... i wanna help .. though idk wad i can do .. but at least , lemme noe and i'll share the burden . at least just share the sorrows . else, i'll feel like such a useless gf . well , i always feel useless .

i noe i shldnt count but , it has been a total of 7 times . (not the number of unhappiness ... everyone misunderstands this pt) . i have a feeling that it's gonna be the 8th time now ..

u noe , i think that everything seems so happy in the beginning where u always tries to show concern abt those sadness that i have .. but u have no idea that most of my sadness revolves ard u . if u r unhappy , i am too .. but i still wanna noe that u r unhappy . i want to share . i guess that we are of different lover . i only noe that i'm those kind of silly/stupid lover . ur feelings totally affect mine. if u r happy , i'll b v happy for u . if u dun tc of urself or is feeling sick or unhappy, i feel bad too . but i feel worse knowing that u stopped trying to care alot . i unds that u r feeling tired .. so am i . but i'm still trying my best to care abt u . maybe i shldn't have hoped tht u will care abt me like before . maybe i shld have wished that everything matters if u r being happy (though i noe that u r nvr happy ??????). i've no idea ... and i'm such a stupid lover that totally dun let ur bad pts make my feeling for u change . though they do irritate me and sadden me at times . sometimes, it is just that , u dun have to lose ur temper or be such a racist .. well, u r lidat and dun wanna change . wad can i say ? wad can i do ? and being such a mcp rly scares me .... cos my dad is one . and i dun rly like his character ..

okay . i'm right . it's the 8th times now ...

i dare to say that u r the first that i kept having hope that u will change for the better though i noe that it's tough . even my ex , i just let things be. at least for u , i kept trying to share and say things out ... hope that this patience dun ever runs out . if it does run out on u , it boils bad omen .

and i oso noe that it's no pt saying so much over here cos u'd nvr see it . and u nvr noe how i feel . i wanted to tell u everyting abt hw i feel, but conv always gets cut off in btwn wid more unhappiness . i'm not trying to argue , just trying to unds things from ur pt and standing in ur shoes .. speaking of this saddens me as i just felt that u may not realize that i'm always trying to stand in ur shoes .

i'm so heartbroken ... cos our conv just shortens and shortens and u cnt even study tgt wid me . else, we can rly meet up more ... i'm serious ... i noe u have ur difficulties doing so .. so i wun probe anymore . just wish that u can have more sleep (and once agn , i noe that it's impossible .)

i'm still trying and i feel that u r too though i can feel that part of u is giving up alr ...

am i the only one who is still trying to make that "clap" sound loud ? 一个巴掌是拍不响的。。

i want u to see this . but idk hw u wld feel aft seeing this .. will u think of the other way round , totally different from wad i actually wanna convey ? i think , just forget it . lemme just keep this here ..

zzz . i seriously duno wadth are u trying to say and think ...

wad's wid the dolling up part ..

hello ? i dun make up one okay ...

it is not wid priority !

it is that i felt weird by not making up when gng to such a high class place ...

the only times that i make up is when i go to CYA where i am required to make up ..

else i dun ..

seriously , why cnt u just ask me instead of assuming that it is due to priority .

u r the one who said that u dun wanna assume cos it is just making an ASS out of U and ME.

yet i felt the accusation , once agn ... haix .

seriously , if i dun put u as priority , i wun even want to meet u aft being so tired and busy wid work and when i have so many things undone .

and i noe that u will wanna say that i have so much time and u duno why i still dun have enough time to rest .

i suck at time management , okay ?

anw, i've told my mum how i felt and she actually felt relieved that i'm thinking this way .

not gng to say it here ...

but just , i've tot it thru ...

like seriously .

i rly thinks that i have mood swings very frequent recently . i can suddenly feel moody and suddenly feel happy at the other moment .

but well , on a happy note, i just finished my report for this wk . might need some editting tobe done and , im feeling okay right now ..

thanks to those that showed concerned to me , esp u .

i rly appreciate it ...

thanks all :)

hmm , this is bad ...

i always felt that my thinking is rly naive ... cos things happened proved it to be otherwise ..

i always tot that a r/s should be where both parties can talk almost everything and where they can talk to each other no matter wad happen. even if it's just some unhappiness btwn them , it can be sorted out by talking nicely and from dere , get to noe each other beta .

and i always tot that couples can study tgt , even if they ain't studying the same course or related courses. ain't couples supposed to chat wid each other (although not daily) ?? shouldn't they joke ard and stay happy , though they shld noe when they are required to be serious ?

shouldn't they try to communicate more via smses or any other communication media so as not to drift apart ? shldn't they ?

i've no idea .. aft so many things that had happened , i felt that these could be so wrong . but , does it matter now ? i doubt so ... my heart is starting to rly feel numb ... i'm starting to get used to those things and alr not joking to u ... so much that i felt that i'm starting to sound cold to those replies ...

but , isn't that wad u want ? since someone at ur age should be serious in EVERYTHING ... yes , u mean everything . so maybe i shall be super serious to u as well .. maybe when i see u the next time , i will just look at u seriously and talk to u seriously ...

though as much as i feel numb , my mind just wandered off easily recently ... my mind can just drift off during lessons , while walking and even doing my own things . time will definitely eventually make me not think as much , i guess . my mind needs to be kept occupied by other things .. sometimes when i'm taking the train , my eyes can just feel so hot suddenly that , ... .... .... .... (u noe ... ... ) that i quickly closed my eyes and tried to slp .

everything is giving me such a scare now . c++, cal, phy , and blahhhh .

i'm so tired of always thinking for another ppl .

i just dun wanna care , anymore . can i ?

And im so stupid ... ....

I want to cry ... i feel like crying but i didnt . I cnt ... i have no time ...

Bravo ...

Not gonna be nice to myself alr.. gonna burn the midnight oil tonight

i guess that i've been too nice to myself alr ... :/

i have only myself to blame for kinda slacking during the first 3 wks of sch ...

:(

wo bu gan le ...

not gonna do similar things when my nxt sem starts ..

but in the first place, am i able to pass my c++ ?

i'm starting to doubt myself ..

i took near 1 hr to solve one super simple question ...

i feel so demoralized now ...

i've studied ..

maybe i didnt study enough .. or maybe i'm just being plain stupid .

i noe jolly well that i'm slower than anyone else ..

so i need to work harder ..

i need to ..

cher , i demand a shorter resting time for u , no bargaining ...

time to study for c++ now ...

u need loads of revision..

put ur phy aside first

haix ...

i just , dun wanna give up .

i dun intend to be the top few ..

at least , just gimme some good grades ..