actually felt that i can give up ..

but part of me just dun wanna give up .

part of me is just waiting for miracle ..

part of me still cnt let go of the feelings .

i suddenly felt that i was just lying to myself by saying that to my mum .

sometimes, i can see certain things for myself .

but at times , i nid other ppl's judgement to make reference ..... ......

i dun think that i'd actually be writing this in my public blog , but still , i felt like writing it down here .

i seriously dun like u being mcp and a racist . tried telling u to think of ways at both sides and not just being so critical and judged all of dem for the same but u tot that i'm trying to argue ..... in the end , we ended up being unhappy instead of trying to sort things out .

and u always tells me to decide the venue myself . i tried to cos i noe that u r tired (but actually i am .. i noe that if i were to tell u that i am , u'd say that i dun work and will definitely have more time to rest .. but , i have alot of things to do ... dun wanna spend dem resting so much . i'm actually struggling , u noe ?) aft selecting the venue and gng to the place , u complained abt it at times . well , since u dun like that place , just tell me and we i can try choosing another place agn ...

and well , u have a bad temper .. did try telling u to change but u actually told me that u r born lidat ... haix , we seriously have so many differences in our thinking . and , u rly think weirdly .. so much that i rly duno how to reply . i wanted to try telling u how i feel but held back . cos , u'll think that i'm trying to argue and we will end up being unhappy ... which i rly dun want that to happen .

but , u do have ur good pts . i love the parts that u r being super efficient in work . and this is why , i dun have to worry abt u not being able to finish ur assignment/ work . but u duno hw to tk care of urself ... i just want u to have ur meals .. even if u dun have time , at least just tk some quick bites . at least have sth .. and it hurts me to see u reply "i'll see to it" when i told u to have ur meals . it just made me worry for u .

also, i do feel that u care for me . at least u bother to at least state abt some unhappiness u have (though we end up being more unhappy) but WAIT . pls dun misunderstand my meaning here . i do like u voicing out hw u feel and u shld voice dem out . like i always say , "even if we are not able to solve the issue, at least just voice it out so that we can understand wad is actually happening". and when u have probs , at least just lemme noe . that is wad i'm here for ... i wanna help .. though idk wad i can do .. but at least , lemme noe and i'll share the burden . at least just share the sorrows . else, i'll feel like such a useless gf . well , i always feel useless .

i noe i shldnt count but , it has been a total of 7 times . (not the number of unhappiness ... everyone misunderstands this pt) . i have a feeling that it's gonna be the 8th time now ..

u noe , i think that everything seems so happy in the beginning where u always tries to show concern abt those sadness that i have .. but u have no idea that most of my sadness revolves ard u . if u r unhappy , i am too .. but i still wanna noe that u r unhappy . i want to share . i guess that we are of different lover . i only noe that i'm those kind of silly/stupid lover . ur feelings totally affect mine. if u r happy , i'll b v happy for u . if u dun tc of urself or is feeling sick or unhappy, i feel bad too . but i feel worse knowing that u stopped trying to care alot . i unds that u r feeling tired .. so am i . but i'm still trying my best to care abt u . maybe i shldn't have hoped tht u will care abt me like before . maybe i shld have wished that everything matters if u r being happy (though i noe that u r nvr happy ??????). i've no idea ... and i'm such a stupid lover that totally dun let ur bad pts make my feeling for u change . though they do irritate me and sadden me at times . sometimes, it is just that , u dun have to lose ur temper or be such a racist .. well, u r lidat and dun wanna change . wad can i say ? wad can i do ? and being such a mcp rly scares me .... cos my dad is one . and i dun rly like his character ..

okay . i'm right . it's the 8th times now ...

i dare to say that u r the first that i kept having hope that u will change for the better though i noe that it's tough . even my ex , i just let things be. at least for u , i kept trying to share and say things out ... hope that this patience dun ever runs out . if it does run out on u , it boils bad omen .

and i oso noe that it's no pt saying so much over here cos u'd nvr see it . and u nvr noe how i feel . i wanted to tell u everyting abt hw i feel, but conv always gets cut off in btwn wid more unhappiness . i'm not trying to argue , just trying to unds things from ur pt and standing in ur shoes .. speaking of this saddens me as i just felt that u may not realize that i'm always trying to stand in ur shoes .

i'm so heartbroken ... cos our conv just shortens and shortens and u cnt even study tgt wid me . else, we can rly meet up more ... i'm serious ... i noe u have ur difficulties doing so .. so i wun probe anymore . just wish that u can have more sleep (and once agn , i noe that it's impossible .)

i'm still trying and i feel that u r too though i can feel that part of u is giving up alr ...

am i the only one who is still trying to make that "clap" sound loud ? 一个巴掌是拍不响的。。

i want u to see this . but idk hw u wld feel aft seeing this .. will u think of the other way round , totally different from wad i actually wanna convey ? i think , just forget it . lemme just keep this here ..