i feel so empty inside me now .

and ironically, i feel so lonely now .

it's not cos i dun feel the presence of anyone beside me now ..

it's just , i felt so empty inside out .

on e other hand, phone is seemingly working fine aft the repair but when i restarted my phone , the issue still remains .

maybe i shld monitor for a few more days .

i'm just so tired of gng bak down to request for repair again cos the sla is actually 1 wk rather than 1-2 days as claimed from dem .

i need my phone's cam for my sch work ..

and now, the wifi and mms ain't working well ...

i rly wonder why .

luckily someone is dere to hlp ..

and this made me ponder why someone else is always dere for me and u aren't ..

i noe that i always dun expect much ..

i just want u to be dere , (not always physically) when i rly need someone .

sometimes, u r dere but u always replied me in such tone that sounded equivalent to u being absent ..

the feeling is just so not explainable that idk hw to express out how i'm actually feeling ..

right now , we are both busy wid sch work .. it cld be a blessing in disguise as u can no longer say that "u r busy" though that is the truth because u r busy as well ..

i can feel so much relieved from the feeling of being "accused" of not accompanying u and making u feel as if u r single/ feeling the sense of loneliness, no different from the past .

this made me recall wad u said previously ..

it still hurts, u noe ?

maybe, i'm still fated to feel lonely after all, like wad i've always felt :)

talking to nic reminds me of wad happened previously ..

sometimes, it rly sets me thinking ...

gals need rly simple things like sense of security, assurances ..

why wld guys not understand ?

issit cos they dun understand or cos they dun bother understanding ??

we always put ourselves inside their shoes and i wonder for a moment if they did do such things ...

i noe that i have been slacking alot , to prevent myself from from being stressed up ..

alot of ppl cnt do their cprog test ..

though i used this to console myself, i noe perfectly well that i shld be able to do it if i were to practise more and harder ...

i need to buck up alr ..

shall use this recess week to rly buck up and chiong ..

i believe that i can do it de :)

jiayou ....

"if that's how u feel, i cant do anything to it". this is the sentence that hurt me the most , ever.

u are the one that can affect my mood and actually determine my mood of the day and yet u say this..

it's the fifth time alr . will it happen every single day ?

i'm super ..... sad ..

cher eng , stop being so naive . stop trying to think that YOU can actually cheer him up .

if he is sian , he will definitely be sian .

even if u try to put ur work aside and talk to him on the phone , you still have no idea of wad to talk to him :)

u will still make him sian.

dun be so naive alr .

u r nobody . u r nth :) u dun have the power to cheer anyone up , esp him

u are busy . u have no time . no matter how much u try to rush ur revision and work , u r still busy ..

dun be naive anymore .

u r a stupid gal :)

"my fren kept asking where u are. ask until i pekchek"

"oh hmm .. den wad did u say?"

"say u r busy lor . u are always so busy"

"but i'm not always busy ma .."

"you are always busy . but when u r not busy , i am busy. when i'm not busy, u r busy"
" hmm .."

idk wad to say .. sighs ..

u knew that i'm busy and kept saying that i'm busy .

i noe i am.. it's not as if i want it ..

but if u understand , why keep harping on it and made us so sian ?

i tried talking to u though i'm busy now and trying to rush my work and yet u kept sounding so sian . sighs ..

do u have any idea of hw i feel when i tried to lengthen the conv and tried to keep talking but all i received was a one word reply ?

i tried putting myself in ur shoe that i decided to ignore everything else and tried talking agn , but all i received was the same treatment .

i dun need any monetary awards nor any gifts from u .

all i want was a normal conv like before and no attitude from u .

issit so difficult to achieve ?

or issit cos i expected too much ?

i noe i shldn't be ranting too much over here cos i dun like ppl to noe too many things but , dere is only a few ppl whom i've given my blog link to and i doubt that they'd ever read this .

so it's fine i guess ?

and oso , it could be me giving an attitude reply or a seemingly-attitude reply ????

i no longer noe wad to say , wad to think or wad i shld be feeling .

i only noe that i want u to be happy but u seem to be sian all day long .

so i tried to talk more to u but i received sian-ned replies and even one word replies.

idk wad to continue but i didnt wanna give u one word reply too cos i dun like ppl giving those kinds of replies

knowing that u were at home the whole day , i tried to rush my work and meet u when i'm so beat aft sch but all i saw was ur sianned face .

not even a single smile .

maybe that could be the reason why i feel so happy even when i saw one smile from u .

and , i want u to rest early cos it's good for ur health ..

but u kept telling me that u cnt fall asleep ..

i want u to have proper meals and take care of urself more but u kept telling me that u have no choice and need to work .

i noe and i'm aware of that .

but , issit so difficult to treat urself slightly beta ?

at least, have proper meals to keep ur day gng .

wait . i guess that my life totally revolves ard u .. this feeling sucks cos u ain't happy most of the times .

this is equivalent to me not being happy most of the times too ..

i've nvr ever tot that someone's feelings can affect me so much .

not even my frens nor my ex ..

they are capable of affecting me for awhile, only.

different culture , like wad my fren used to tell me in my poly life ?

different thinking , definitely .

i initially wanted to rush part of my work and meet u aft that ..

but i guess that dere is no longer a need for this , since u said that i gave u such a reply.

maybe i did give an irritating reply but if u rly noe me well , u wld noe that i dun have any of such intention . u may tell me that u noe . but if u noe , u shld understand . wait , i shldn't have wished that u'd understand .

but , wad i knew was , the replies that u gave were obviously irritated ones .

i decided to off my phone and charge cos it's left wid 1%. (that's my habit to off phone when it's charging)

aft awhile , i decided to on it and charge just to reply u and try to cheer u up .

once again , i received a one word reply .

i tried to talk sth else but dere isn't any reply thereafter .

feeling disappointed , i off my phone again ..

i feel so terrible now . i noe i shldn't ..

i noe i cnt afford to .

but i cnt help it .

and this is the fourth time ..... that i .......... (u noe .. wait . u duno)

if you noe that ur temper is bad , den jolly well curb it

if you noe that u lack in patience , den jolly well change urself !

idk if i'm that persistent or that i just have that much faith in u .

when high hopes turned to disappointment ..

maybe i shldn't have hoped that u wld always talk to me nicely .

i'm of cos aware that some ppl will tend to have lower patience talking to ppl whom they are closer wid .

i need ...to stop thinking ...so much

tdy is my bday!! ^^

saw alot of wishes in fb and hp :P

for the first time, so many ppl wished me face to face .

normally i will be at home during my bday cos it always falls on my exam period . LOL

and coincidentally, my lab partner has the same bday as me . HAHA

this is the first time i wished someone happy bday on my bday :p

anw , ziyu got me a gift . thanks fish !

had a super long day tdy , till 7.30 pm

while otw bak home , i was sooooo beat but idk why i have this particular hunch .

i actually felt that u will come and look for me.

but i reached pr and felt that it might be impossible .

i kept telling myself to not think so much cos i dun wanna have a false hope .

i just walked super slowly while walkin back home

just when i reached my hse , my phone rang

u called and told me to go out of my hse

dere u r , standing right in front of me . LOL !

omg , i didnt noe that my hunch could be that accurate !!

not totally surprised though.

but definitely felt v happy :)

thanks alot :)

and oso , i've quitted SH for quite a while le .. no pt stirring rumours agn and say "she is ur fav" LOL ! wad a joke leh , guys .

and , my gums hurt :/

that made me not have appetite for food recently .

sometimes, i can just feel hungry but cnt force the food into my mouth .

so , i just abandoned the thought of eating .

and i only have one meal tdy ;/

ain't feeling well recently .

gums pain and having lesser and lesser time to slp .

cos , i have loads of things to do

mechanics/phy.

matlab,

origin,

lab,

report,

calculus,

forensic science recorded lecture (to listen)

and some others which i cnt recall now .

i cnt believe that i teared agn over .... .... . it's the 3rd time alr i guess (if i didnt rmb wrongly)

i'd still wanna talk things over , each time it happened .

and oso , i hope that things will be resolved . i rly hope so .. if that is the best solution out , i hope that they wld become happier doing that decision. i have no say abt it actually . but wad i can do is to try to advise

HAHA this is funny .

i saw this from one of my fb's closed grp .

one of the student was like wanting to extend lesson cos one of the lesson on wed is cancelled.

i still rmb how my frens in poly / sec sch wanted to pon lesson or be so happy that lesson is cancelled .

this is ironic :P

you always said that i am not u and thus , idk wad u r feeling .

but do u have any idea that i've always been trying to put myself in ur shoes that i tried feeling how u r feeling ?

so that i will consider ur feelings and try not to make u unhappy .

but apparently , i'm such an useless person that i failed to do so .

cos u're still unhappy .

shouldn't we try to stay happy no matter wad happens?

u noe that such things are inevitable .

shouldn't u kan kai ?

wait . i've told u before but u kept saying that i'm not u and duno wad u r feeling .

like i've said , it's rly not as if i dun wanna meet u .

i noe that if i'd me , i'll definitely understand that u need to study , need to work.

when i was super free previously , i understand that u need to work and tried to encourage u when u feel stressed up / sianned while working .

i told u that i understand and tell u to jiayou while working .

i've nvr complained that u're busy .

but before i started sch, u alr feel down and even emo cos u said that we'd have lesser time to meet .

thus , i told u that i'll try to find time out but i'll definitely be busy cos i have sch and i want to study hard as well .

still , u emo .

idk wad to do and felt lousy .

i always felt so down when u r feeling down as well .

i tried to cheer u up but u always gimme short replies and sound down .

i rly rly rly duno wad to do .

but when my sch start , u kept saying that i'm busy .

yes , i agree . but i'm not as busy as u r .

so , i said "you are busy oso ma"

i always have this naive hope that u'd at least say "jiayou" to encourage me .. at least one "jiayou" but i've nvr ever heard this word from u before .

but , it's okay .

i just hope that u'd understand that i'm busy wid my sch work as well .

but apparently , idk if u do .

cos we were supposed to be meeting at 4 tdy . u were aware that i have alot of things undone .

so i suggested meeting u at 4 and maybe leave at ard 9+ cos i have to wk up early for sch tmr and i'm rly feeling stressed up .

talking abt stress , i was feeling stress a few days ago and u called me .

hearing that i didnt talk much on the phone , u emo agn .. sighs .

u noe , i felt so bad when u emo ?

that i have to call u back and abandon the thought of continuing my revision.

oh , back to wad happen tdy , after hearing me say that i need to go off early , u said that u'd rather me stay at home and study since we will only be meeting for ard 4 hrs only and u dun want me to waste my time travelling .

when i heard this , do you noe that i felt so relieved ? for a moment , i tot that u understand ..

but on the other hand , i rly tried to chiong my revision , bearing a tiny thought that i'd still be able to meet u .

thus , i went to prepare myself and smsed u at ard 4, asking u if u want me to come out .

cos if u do , i'm always ready to leave my hse immediately and meet u at ard 5.30.

at most , i'll leave at a later time .

at most , i'll leave at ard 10+

still , u told me to stay at home but ur tone sounded sian obviously .

u noe that i rly felt bad ?

i'm in a dilemma .

i wanna meet u but i rly have work left undone .

u told me to stay at home but u sounded so sad .

i rly duno wad to do nor say .

for a moment , i foolishly hope and wish that u'd rly understand that me being busy and not meet u is inevitable and u will NOT emo .

cos wheneva u emo , it'd soooooo affect me that i'll do the same thing.

and u noe , aft that msg at ard 4 plus , i cnt concentrate studying .

and for a moment , i wished that i had insisted meeting u so that i'll meet u and not stare into space blankly , for hrs .

i do not wish to compare , but i see other couple encouraging each other and seem so happy tgt (at least on the surface).

i noe that u do treat me well but , maybe i just expect more ?

maybe i jsut expect u to be abit understanding and not emo .

i felt so bad seeing u like this .

and when u said "i have wasted my day doing nth" rly made me feel so bad .

it's not as if i dun wanna meet u .

and i noe that u would never ever read this post and noe wad i'm thinking .

and i'd never noe wad i shld be reflecting to u .

idk ,idk , idk .

wad shld i be doing ???

i rly have no freaking idea .

dere are alot of things which i wanted to say and yet , i duno where to start from and wad to begin wid ..

ah , i have alot of things to be accomplished ! D:

i need to do my tutssssssssss !!

i always go to the tut classes , feeling clueless .

guess i'm too slow to understand.

i will keep practising and hope that i can do those questions and when i ask questions , i will understand dem v quickly ! D:

why aren't ppl telling me the truth or telling me things of wad they think ? :(

ever since the strt of the sch ,

i find myself getting tired and hungry easily

but i think i MAY be getting used to it tdy cos i didnt feel hungry that fast alr .

and i rly feel like falling asleep in the lecture.

i need to try to stay awake (wait . i'm alr trying ><)

HAHA . i dun wanna or like to slp during classes ..

D:

ah , jy !

i'm so slow .

it's till now that i just realized that most poly and jc students have a big diff .

my brain still heven process and they have alr done out the answers..

bravo, cher eng

hahaha .

omg . i'm dying soon ! D: