most of a time, i wldn't say that anyone is totally correct or wrong ...

cos when u r super angry wid someone that u wldn't want to talk to him or her , do kindly think that u may be in the fault as well ..

sad to say , most of the ppl wun think that they might be in the wrong ..

for wadever reasons, i feel pissed the moment i reached home

1. ALL the windows in the house are closed . hello bro, u r the one at home .. dun u feel suffocated? shldnt u at least open the windows for the living room !? nvm, u nvr do

2. u were sitting at my table .. okok nvm. just wondered why ppl like to sit at my table where dere are obviously no much space dere .. and u just pushed all my things away w/o putting dem back ..

3. after ur meal, u didnt even bother to throw away the plastic bags . issit that difficult to throw !?!?

4. u didnt wash ur utensils ok . nvm agn cos u nvr ever wash anything

5. why didnt u take out the clothes !? it's like , it isn't raining at all ! u dun hang clothes at home when it's not raining rite ... now , they cnt even dry

6. u didnt even flush the toilet . issit that difficult to flush !? i feel like vomiting the moment i see the toilet bowl -.-

7. and u were like using ur comp and watching the tv . it's obviously that u aren't concentrating on any shows . can u kindly at least off the tv ? our utility bills are getting super high for goodness sake

argh ... this list can actually go on and on and on . why cnt u be zi dong abit ...

things drop and u throw ur temper which in the end, me and mum clear up UR mess .

i always nid to help u to do ur things ... cnt u be more independent in certain things ? at least, open the door urself okay , big baby ?

looking at how superficial and the way u act, im became more and more glad that i'm born in a not so well-to-do family.

reason is because, i do not want to be like u,

so bad tempered,

superficial,

critical.

and u rly have a weird thinking

uh well , glad that i made the decision as well :)

merry xmas everyone :D

Everything is still the same . Nth has changed . Ive been so naive

wad kind of a 'truth or dare' is that ytd !?

HAHAHA

all seem to aim the questions to me and him x.x

sighsss

what is the meaning of life?

life has no meaning

LOL

seriously, i hate it when my mind experiences flashback when i noe that im over it alr ..

seeing fren's flyer's, uss's pic rly make me think back .

though i noe that the feeling is getting lesser , i cnt help me feeling so moodless over it ..

wei shen me :(

seriously, i still duno if i shld feel happy or sad .

i want to be happy abt my results but feel that most of my frens score way beta than me

i cnt be complacent .

i nid to try to hit second upper class nxt time round .

but i 力不重心...

i hope that u will take in those words and rly think abt it ..

it's for ur own good ..

i received this rude phone call just now and the conv goes like this

telemarketer: hello, this is calling from wendy's company to xxxxxx (cnt rly hear clearly)

me: uh huh, okay ..

telemarketer: by the way, are u still a student or working ?

me: student.

telemarketer: ok bye

with that, she just put down the phone abruptly

me: ???? huh ?

wad a rude way to end the conv. u can always say "den that's okay . thank you , goodbye"

at least that's wad i'd say

me: i dreamt that i failed my lab . i got grades like 2.5, 3, 2 out of 10 for all the reports .

mum: if u dream that u fail , u wun fail . this means that u will pass

me: oh , possible . cos lab is impossible to fail . but i only dreamt that i failed one . so means that im gonna pass this and fail the others ?

i had failed all my tests for cprog terribly and tot that i'd need to dabao this mod .

but thank goodness that i didnt fail nor get a grade of C or lesser :D

hmmm ... weird weird weird weird weird weird weird weird weird weird weird weird weird ! :(

nvm . forget abt it

misrep:

-fraudulent

-negligence

-innocence

out of these three, i love to explain the last one --innocence

cos it's simple to explain

i just nid two words "just blur" HAHAH (Y) rite !

i rmb explaining this chap of bus law to cheryl and when i explain innocence ,

paperfish pointed her fingers at me , saying "ya . just blur like her" HAHAH

haix . one more day :(

it's getting so confusing now .

i think i shld just forget abt it

sometimes, treating someone nice isn't equivalent to the monetary rewards that u're giving her .

u can be deemed as ill-treating someone even if u r giving her rewards at the same time unless im talking abt some materialistic person here .

not everyone treats maternal objects as everything and the only things in the world .

i suddenly wanna celebrate xmas :)

not rly celebrate but just to go out ..

:D

Wanted to slp at 10 pm ytd but as i shut down my comp , the tv aired "incredible tales". Intended to slp aft show ended but fren delayed my slping time for abt 50 mins x.x

why am i so lazy :(

i suddenly browsed thru the pics and miss the past .

merry xmas everyone :P

i like helping my frens .

but sometimes , i wondered if im too busybody .

cos i will auto hlp before they even request for it .

(not all the times though . i'd be oblivious to dem most of the times :/ )

Had plurkers' outing ytd :D

went to tanjong for our sakae outing .

had ard 10+ ppl gng initially but ended up only 5 of us turned up .

but we still had loads of laughter and i laughed till i cried :X

and vincent kept wanting to tk my pic ! LOL

he didnt succeed but i did ~ :P

took one pic wid tofu . in the toilet HAHHA
and pup said that this is piception . LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TsPFU5KevQM

LOL ! this is ultra cute la ! i kept watching it over and over agn and finds the blue's back hook to be so cute xD

imagine me doing this during my sparring D:

im so gonna be kicked till i fly out HAHA .

The little boy is very cute rite ! HAHA

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=singlish&oq=singlish&aq=f&aqi=g10&aql=&gs_sm=e&gs_upl=1103742l1103921l0l1104160l2l2l0l0l0l0l142l142l0.1l1l0

found these in youtube . haha

i blurted two names accidentally T.T

luckily one name is a super common one and is the same as one of the ppl out for the outing .

*phew*

i think i have said the wrong words T.T

beta to siammmmmmm D:

idk if ur that sentence is saying abt me .

but if u r , den i am v disappointed in u .

i've been doing so much and yet u still say this .

if i heven treated it seriously , i wldn't have teared so much and tried so much to salvage ..

utterly disappointed .

i got so happy seeing my close frens that i kept blabbering ..

i nid to stop talking so much .

i wonder why my shyness is back agn ..

i tend to shun away / avoid direct eye contact even when im talking to dem .

i noe it's rude but i cnt help it .

cos i think i will blush .

this happens even wid my neighbour ytd :/

i hope she dun think that im being rude :/

but that kind of feeling fade away aft awhile .

i rmb that i only have this type of reaction when i see online frens for the first time (though that's soooo long ago alr)

haix . why is this so

now i noe why my phone batt depletes so fast when im outside and not at home ...

:/

i made such a blunder today .

my fren is still in korea and i tot that he is joining us today .

i smsed him and wondered why he didnt reply .

so i smsed my another fren saying "aaron miaed :("

HAHAHAH .

omt . i only realized this blunder when i met up wid my another frens .

oops sorry :x

anw , paperfish was saying "you kept singing non stop sia . ur mouth has nvr stopped moving"

HAHAH i noe ! im this enthu when it comes to singing esp songs that i noe xD HAHAHAH .

too bad that i didnt get to sing fish leong's and angela's songs :(

天下无不散之筵席 :(

sshhhh . be quiet

questions ...

but nvm , 心静自然忘

im just one confused person ...

i dreamt that i put this into the refrigerator ._.

i have no idea why i prefer charging phone in sp than in ntu :X

!!!!

LOL

had my fillet !! so happy :D:D:D

i want my fav fillet :D

i can remember the first days i met a few ppl :)

memorable .

like i told paperfish previously , i can still rmb my first impression of love .

i used to yearn for it and think that it's like most fairy tales.

how flawless where boys and gals just like each other and be happily ever after together .

or it can even be like those romance show (which i used to be so obsessed in my sec sch life) where quarrels and misunderstandings happen and yet they still can stand strong together .

but aft experiencing it for myself ,

i felt that it isn't sth big deal anymore .

human yearn for love , it's true perhaps .

but only give it to the right person who deserve it , right ? :D

HAHAH

i may call dem experience or memories ..

but the most impt word to describe dem is "lesson"

aww man ! this is so cute :D

angry bird :D

paperfish wants to see me be tgt wid u .

lol weird , isn't it ?

but , i will still keep mum and smile if u guys continue that topic ...

at times , i felt as if im rly a bad person

though im rly okay to ppl joining my clique , i just felt weird and have a tinge hope that they dun

it's not that i dun want dem to join or me making new frens .

it's just that im afraid that my clique will become too big that i'll be so easily forgotten ...

SM: i took part in the national team !

us: waa ! nice :)

SM: and i got fourth

us: woah so pro !

SM: wait wait . dun get happy too fast . dere are only four participating teams

us: HAHAHA

actually , while i was walking that path home , i recalled certain things .

accompanied by emo songs , i almost became sad .

it's till den i told myself "no use lamenting over it . no pt since he didnt even care abt it , abt u . u shld just smile :)"

with that in mind , i rly smiled and walked happily home :)

and ya , i was just reminded of the conv wid me and paperfish .

she was like telling me that she used to not being able to control her temper .

den i told her that if ppl scold me , i will just listen unless i find it absurd or rly cnt take it den i'd say sth back . and i'd normally just forget abt it the next day.

she laughed and said "ya . i always scold u one. " HAHAH

she was like saying that jx always chided her for scolding me . HAHA .

actually , i just treat all her words as jokes . LOL !

not offended but even if i did , i'd have forgotten abt dem :X

Went out wid paperfish tdy xD we spent a total of $100+ x.x haha omt . Im rly broke alr ... ended up spending 40 mins walk home . But truth is , i dun mind accompanying her . My uni period is the first time that made me be so on . Id normally reject any last min outings and most outings even if they aint last min ones .

Amd she is v funny , she appeared to be super happy when she knew the ans . She just asked "he is not good rite?" . I was shocked cos i didnt tell her anything HAHA . I only told like less than five ppl . :x perhaps she heard that frm someone else .

lol . everyone's asking me that same question .

is that question v interesting to u guys ? LOL !

but well , if any of the parties were to block/delete the other party , i'd find it childish (unless harassment) .

hey , u guys can still be friends, isn't it ?

my fren best sia .

when i told him that im at cia , he asked me one question "you know how to get hm?"

HAHAHA . thanks ah .

now im kinda well known for losing my way

wanted to send frens back to the mrt station and they ended up sending me bak to the bus stop for fear of me losing my way T.T

HAHAHAH

i need an insurance for getting lost :x

i was "hiding" under the shade cos i noe that i'd have terrible sunburn if i were to go under the sun ..

but my face hurts now T.T

haix ... im the only one hiding under the shade

luckily i wore long pants . lol !

and now , my hands are super black :(

i had ultra bad sun burn before .

shld have applied sun block :(

i doubt there will be for the time being

if there is any , i'll curb it

it has been a few days alr . guess i need a week ?

wait . that may not be the case ...

i think i nid a shorter period than that . :)

random happy chats and outings are indeed making me feel beta

gonna reach vivo tmr at 9.50am

that's early , isn't it ?

need to go buy drinks and food tgt wid fren

managed to drag one along to help carry the stuff and my fren managed to cling to another fren of ours to help out too .

gng out tmr , wed and thu .

i want to go kbox agn !!

wed wld only be to learn driving ...

and fren just asked me out on thu ..

butbutbut , i nid to get bak to my books soon .

maybe fri or this wkend ...

before that , i'd need to finish up the storybook that i just borrowed and the vids that i've dled quite some time ago .

i need like a few days to finish watching dem T.T

dere goes my plan to sleep early !

wad do i want ???
sad to say , i've no idea abt it myself

I want to be alone but yet i dun want to be alone . Contradicting ?

im like adding more and more ppl into my "unrecoverable" and "missing" list ...

i shld stop doing dem .

how i wish i can just press the 'delete' button to remove dem

AX,

vivo csc,

couple lab,

...

...

...

...

HAHA .

i shldnt be so selfish and inconsiderate to wake nor disturb anyone up from their slp ...

and i wun do it unless ...... idk ....

i shldnt have cared abt anything

i shldnt have tried

i shld have been so sentimental

i kept recalling abt certain ppl who have left me , now and den

sometimes , i wondered how are u doing esp when my bro mentioned abt u ytd .

hope that ur hand is still fine

sadly to say , i think i shldnt msg u anymore cos u always say random things . lol ! and i dun think that i'll be gng for the outing at the end of this mth .

had kbox ytd .

it was quite fun

bro and my fren clicked :)

and they did pattern outside HAHA .

i felt so ps but luckily no one was ard dere.

been soooooo long since i last saw u .

it's a nice feeling .

that's the first time i stood up and sing .

and first time see ppl dance AND first time hear ppl sing until so loud HAHHA

speaking of "first time" , i gave my sch alot of "first time" T.T

ever since i entered this sch , it's the first time that:

i studied in sch as late as 10pm

i met up wid frens just to study

i dun mind travelling so far like to sp to revise my work

i went out wid frens for movie or enjoyment aft exams

i feared exams

i dun wanna look at my results

i cnt fall asleep at nite due to exam stress

i miss poly life soooo much !

i think that i will dabao module

i dun even think i can get C for my modules

i think that my highest grade wld be my lowest grade in poly -- c+

i think of mugging during sch hols before my sem starts

i keep gng out wid my clique

i feel a sense of belonging to my study clique

i feel so sad gng to sch

i looked alotalotalot forward to the end of exams

i kept thinking of enjoyment before the last paper

okay . i shall stop HAHA

cos i think that this list is endless .

i rly dun feel well recently .

kept dun wanna slp at nite though im so tired .

i wish that i can drink a potion to forget everything

but if dere rly is such a drink , i might not drink it

i believe that every single incident has its value or meaning

that i can learn from it and grow up .

i rly hope that u can reflect on ur own actions . pls dun bring anymore ppl into ur pool of misery . tyvm :)

i kept wanting companion recently .

that is bad ...

:)

i just realized sth ironic .

the more depressed i feel , the more easier i laugh or be crazy ....

isn't that ironic ?

i guess that it is :)

i rly dun want to leave it hanging dere .... ... though i noe that i will still feel hurt

im okay if u choose to ignore my msg last time .

but pls , dun ignore the one that i just sent .

i have the tendency to appear and talk normally wid anyone but ... ... .. .

when it's sch / exam time , i longed to have my hol !

but when my hol is here , i have nth to do .

maybe i have but i'm so bored .

maybe i will rest till sunday and mug abit aft monday hahahaa

seriously , i think gng to k is the best in making me happy !!

but too bad , dere isn't any slot ytd T.T

HAHA . else i'd be ultra happy ..

haix , who wanna go wid me ? :x lol !

i want to say it but i didnt want to initiate any chats first anymore .

but i noe that if i dun , we will be dragging this for at least 1 - 2 wks .

wad shld i be doing ?

fren kept telling me to ignore but i felt that i rly nid to say it BUT i dun wanna sms u first though . lol

initially , i tot that my hol this time round wld be chionging my driving , sch work, working and gng out .

but now , i think i'd only be chionging my sch work , gng to driving (not chionging alr cos the earlier tp is during feb :/)

idk how am i gng to get my licence in this way ..

and as for gng out , i think i'll be asking for frens to intro me volunteer work .

had been wanting to do dem but just lazy to find :x HAHA

and finally after much procrastinating (partially due to being busy in work previously), i didnt go for any :/ sighs guilty .

as for working , dere isnt a nid for it anymore .

and lastly, i dun think that anyone wants to go out wid me . so forget it HAHAHAHA okok i'm just joking .

paperfish said that nvr stop smiling cos u duno who is in love wid ur smile . but wad if i think that everyone dun like my smile ? HAHA den shall i stop smiling? :X

i noe where i stand ..

do i look so depressed to u ?

lol !

why did u tell me to cry out instead of laughing ....

hahah

i seriously dun unds why u r so childish ...

now i noe where i rly stand ..

so , stop self deceiving ...

it actually can hurt though i dun think that i can feel it anw

whenever i change my phone's ringtone , i had a hard time trying to recall the ringtone thereafter ...

cos the reason is simple .

lol

Sometimes , i rly find it tiring to love or like anyone ... ... it is like when u finally like someone , he will leave u . And when u finally think of making up ur mind , sth that ___ do will just hinder me in my decision . Who knows that i may stop liking totally one day ...
sometimes , i rly hate myself for changing my mind ... But , the reason is v simple . It is just that i became softhearted and felt that maybe i shld give it one more try . Or maybe i shld put in effort agn . Maybe that is good . Cos trying makes me give up . And giving up makes me more determined to stay on wid my decision . I rly wonder why i feel so happy seeing that sentence or a word , rather . Maybe it is cos that is the decision that has always been in my mind and yet i didnt wanna ack it . Perhaps . But truth is , i rly feel motivated now ...

Sadly , it is not a motivation to study . I still study but , i rly have this feeling that i wun even score at least a C for all my mods . So my gpa at the end of the day will b ultra cui . "Nice" job loh . Sighs .

thanks sir , u always have to affect my mood :)

yay . forget abt it :)

yeah ! i'm fine :)

like real ._.

this is so ironic ...

when i'm so in need of ppl, only my frens are here to keep my companion .

not even my bf is ard to console, encourage nor chat wid me .

worst still is , dere's not even a single msg ...

thanks so much man

rly thanks for treating me as invisible

I have sth to confess !! My mood swing is super scary recently . I go crazy and laughed tgt wid my frens but when im alone , i suddenly feel like crying though i tried real hard to curb it . At that moment , i kept thinking of u and my studies n went sad . When i see happy funny msges aft awhile later , i suddenly wanna laugh and suddenly tot of my frens and wanna laugh in the train . This is too much of a mood swing rite ??? I noe T.T wad on earth is wrong wid u ???? Omt

i cnt believe that mum's actually so petty ..

i was listening to music using ear piece and revising my work .

and she kept talking to me ...

i didnt notice that cos my music can kinda cover some bg noises ..

she got unhappy and said that i always nvr reply her ...

i rmb that i did tell her at times that i was listening to music and will most prob not be able to hear her ..

maybe i shld tell her everytime i listen to the music which wld be everyday ...

but that'd be too tiring .

that's one of the reason why i go out to study ... it's cos of this and cos hse is too comfy ..

and she's oso part of the reason to why i have to listen to music ...

why am i so useless ?

it's okay . i shall feel beta when i wk up

does ur sentence means that i'm hindering u in ur work ?

i might be ..

but if that is the case, why did u go aft me in the first place ?

and starting to talk lesser and lesser to me aft treating me so nice .

i unds that u r busy so i've nvr complained that u r busy .

nvr demand u to spend more time wid me

i tried to understand and even put myself in ur shoe to noe why ur thinking is so weird

but as usual, i'm not able to noe the reason why :)

aft trying so much , all i get was "you should understand that i was busy and tired."

it's precisely that i noe that u r busy and tired that i replied "maybe u tell them that u r busy ?" to "friend wanted to play mj after sch zz"

and once agn , wad i got was sth super not expected .

"not everything can be pushed off as and when u like"

i ignored that msg wid sth else but u came bak to argue wid me abt this thing

u said "do you know that how long i've nvr meet my friends ? i have been so busy to meet them"

i was thinking " wad ? i was just suggesting cos ur sentence sounded as if u r unwilling to meet dem" .

it was later that u told me that u were tired .

and it set me thinking agn . if u r tired , den just reject the outing .

else, just go for it and not sound so sian here ...

it's just a small case and we both tot of each other's thinking differently ...

dere is no pt arguing abt this ...

and i was shocked to see ur long long msg ...

sad to say , u only type long msg while arguing wid me

i seriously had a shock cos i didnt expect u to type such a long msg .

and when the heated conv ended, u replied wid this standard msg "you always have ur reason for ur actions. do not reply"

obviously i have my reasons for my actions rite ._.

if u put urself in my shoes, u MAY (or may not) noe that i was actually worried abt u when u said that u have mj session . cos the things that i tot were "omg . agn ? will u be more tired ? will u reach home v late agn ? u'll sure have lesser time to rest . i'd rather u to tk this time to rest and maybe meet dem nxt wk or wad since they r ur coursemate"

i nvr knew that such intention of mine wld be deemed as me trying to tell u to push off the outing .

everything's changed . i no longer have any expectation alr, i guess . or at least, not as much . i've expected for the worse . it's either i cnt tk it and pop that question or u be the one doing the 'bad guy' .

Went to sp to study tdy agn :)

so happy to have found ard 2 study buddies :D

i'm a happy gal tdy :)

was initially tired and super lethargic to study during the afternoon tdy ..

fren saw my sian face and told me to go buy coffee

i bought and instantly felt happy .

endorphin i guess xD

anw , opted for western food tdy .

fren's portion of chicken cutlet is suppppeeeerrrr HUGE . super worth the price of $3.50

highly recommended for someone who's hungry :)

i had grilled fish and added rice as my side dish . was hungry so i just ordered rice .

and i ended up not being able to finish it . HAHAH

started to "shape" the leftover and *oops* sry ! HAHAHA . i seldom play wid food :x

idk why i did that too . maybe it's cos i was too bored while waiting for fren to finish food x.x

used fren's phone to tk pic HAHAHA . idk why it's yellowish ! maybe it's cos of the light above me :x

aft that , told my another fren that i chose rice as side dish and the first thing she said was "wad !? rice ? u cnt even finish it w/o rice and u chose rice "

HAHA i cnt even rmb that i cnt finish my food la ! cos im normally able to finish it :)

anw , thanks for rmbing :D

why am i feeling so insecure ?

i kept feeling that everyone do not want to talk to me ...

:(

lol .

bravo ,cher eng

HAHA

i see this agn ! :))

"

‎9966699999966699999966699966669996699999996699666996699

9966999999996999999996666996699666699666996699666996699

9966699999999999999966666699996666699666996699666996699

9966666999999999999666666669966666699666996699666996699

9966666669999999966666666669966666699666996699666996699

9966666666699996666666666669966666699666996699666996666

9966666666669966666666666669966666699999996699999996699

"

U said that i kept talking to myself in twitter n not to u . So shall i say that u only reply to ur frens and not to me unless i replied to urs ??:)

sometimes , i feel that the more ppl noe abt me , the more they may dislike me

so it's either that i BITE or that u stay away from me ...

beware , everyone HAHA

i nid a GC and now it isn't functioning that well :(

haix .

anyone have any idea on where i can repair it or buy a second hand for abt 50 bucks (the same price as i bought my current one) ?

:(

sighs ...

i nid it for my exams .

i nid it badly ...... .......

oh god

"your heart is the most powerful organ. It breaks, heals and becomes stronger again."

will mine heal ? maybe it will .. and i hope that it will

:)

nvm .. cher eng , u can do it de ..

must persevere ...

my faith in myself may be dwindling but i need to add more oil ...

i must face all accusations bravely .

and oso , exams are coming .

i must study hard

i cnt promise myself of acing but at least , i dun wanna let myself regret by not studying hard .

maybe i'll be used to sarcastic statements, accusations and all sort of nonsense and handle dem wid a smile nxt time .

or maybe i shld learn to be immune wid myself first so that i wun get angry wid myself , like ytd ...

sorry fortune teller for letting u down .

i guess that i'm always so slow that i nid the second time to see things clearly .

i have a bad feeling now .

am i being selfish ?

cos i dun want anyone to leave me right now .

these includes those ppl that i've been talking to .

those that i study tgt wid

the only few ppl that i confide in

and the one that i rly rly rly confide so much in

pls dun deny me of this wish ...

dear blog ,

why is that so ? could it be the words that i used ?

do u noe that i have a shock ? a bigbig shock . pls gimme a warning before that happens, okay ?

maybe i still can feel a tinge of something . or maybe im just trying my last best effort to let myself not be unfeeling . i dun want to ..

:(

from ,

sadded me

why are things the way they are now ?

i dun deny that having misunderstandings are inevitable but , i always believe that aft clearing things up or doing explanation will be fine .. isn't it ?

or am i too naive to think that this is the way out ?

i normally tend to not explain things the way that i'm rly thinking

i dislike being misunderstood so i tried explaining .

nvm .. no pt saying over here ...

seeya , blog

Why did i try explaining so much .... cnt unds why

can i stop caring as much ?

as much as i want to do so , i noe that i'm not able to accomplish that .

like wad i've told rahman , i think that it rly is 2 ...

haix .

okay , i'm fine le .

i guess that i just nid to isolate myself for awhile

i think that it's a total of 5 posts this time round :x

i'm pretty sure that u wun see but this , happy bday py :)

Yes , everything is me ... everything me jiu dui le rite . Ur words dun match ur actions . Nvm . Just blame me if u feel beta . Though i might nt feel good as a result

It is okay . I shall not do any asking this wk le . Since i always do most of the initiative and asking and suggesting . In the end , i got more blamings and complains . I shall let it be le . No pt . Seriously .

Im wondering if u r actually blaming me .

Hi blog ,
I feel so weird nw . I noe it is normal for me to feel this way but i always cnt decipjer the feeling or why i feel this way :/ hhmmmmm . im crazy le .... aiyo

It has been such a long time since i last uploaded a pic in my blog .. i'm so sorry , blog :)

i love u , blog :):) love u so much for being here for me when i needed someone to talk to ..

i will cherish u , dun wry ...

anw , i'm loving the night now .

not that i'm gng for clubbing like anyone else but , just cos that my study mood is back , strong .

listening to some music thru earpiece again and trying to study , at least do a few questions now ..

i may be tired but im not so tired that i nid slp badly nw :))

nid to cherish this study mood and at least do a few questions .

i truly hope that i can accomplish this small task set by myself .

all th best !

c++ results aint out aft 3 wks .. wad could cause the delay ? i rly hope that nth goes wrong .

omt . the guilt is kicking in AGAIN . T.T

and idk why my plurks dun show those smses to sgbeat.

twitter works fine

i went to chk the website and removed plurk acc and put it back agn but to no avail . :(

i nid someone to scold me , i guess .

cos all the sadness seem to be stuck inside me and yet i cnt feel dem ...

i cnt feel anything .

i cnt feel happiness , sadness ...

i can only feel agony towards myself ...

and i'm so pathetic ...

i seem to be losing myself ...

i nid to zhen zhuo ..

i'm trying ...

u said it from YOUR pt and i told u from MY pt so that u noe that it is not as simple as ABC

it is okay .

i will just SHUT UP -.-

i will say nth ...

fair enough ?

i'm forever wrong to just say anything else ..

i am forever wrong.

i need to SHUT UP ..

happy ?

u have no idea .

dear blog ..

dear blog !!

dear blog :)

dear blog :(

haix :(

bye blog ...

byebyebyebyebye

why issit that i find everything scary and weird now ..

people, issues , past, present

i feel myself in an irony now ...

i nid distractions but i cnt afford to be distracted and i'm here distracting myself by blogging ..

haha . "bravo" , cher eng ....

good job :)

i shldnt be feeling anything ...

thinking positively , it might be sth good ...

thinking negatively, more sadness might come along agn

hi blog ,

u have 555 posts and 14555 views in total

i knew it . i forgot to watch the recorded lectures ..

and i actually forgot that i've blogged abt gng to listen to the lecture and deleted it ...

lol.

i had been procrastinating ...... i nid to start hearing the recorded lectures asap !

was too focused in doing my phy tb questions alr .

HAHA i just nid reminders ...

guess that i nid reminders in almost everything i do or think ...

alamak

*smackshead*

maybe i shall commence it at 9pm .

(hopefully that i wun forget) ....

off to do my chapter 11 now :))

hi blog

bye blog

i've nvr have this feeling so strong before .

pls dun lemme have anymore nightmares alr .

if trying to clear misunderstandings by explaining is equivalent to finding excuses for things that ppl do , den it is beta to not explain nor say anything , isn't it ?

and if this happens , misunderstandings arise . so , it is beta for misunderstandings to occur ?

and music is my best companion tdy :)

to kip me out of distractions :D

but prob is , most of the songs in my list are emo ones .

though they are nice to listen to , my mind tend to wander off to alot of things ..

random ones and i cnt rmb wad are they now . HAHA .

bravo

all i nid is just one person whom i can talk alot of things freely to .

but i seldom feel comfortable wid ppl to tell dem alot of things .

i do tell ppl things but not alot . just abit here and dere ..

and i feel so happy singing now . :))

i want to go kbox !

but idk who is okay singing chinese songs wid me .

lazy to find ppl . :x

i think that my heart rly is numb wid u

cos i dun feel anything now .

just like wad i told someone previously .

:) it is a good thing i guess ...

this made me no longer feel so bothered by those childish acts of urs .

i noe wad i can do to make things be beta bt it cant be done most of the times due to many constraints .

this is where understanding comes into place .

i just dun want this "feeling" to tk over my whole heart such that i'd feel numb in everything ...

sth that i'd nvr say :))

*mediating* HAHA

why do i feel so weird ? lol .

(not talking abt anyone whom u wld guess)

it's someone whom u cant guess (i think)

trying to observe alot of ppl .

but sometimes when i look at dem , i tend to stare into space wid my glare on dem . lol !

my mind wanders off or just shut off cos i'm tired .

well , aft tdy , i realized that i can actually dun feel bu she de .

maybe i will if it really happens but , for now , i dun think i will .

the more bad i see in someone , the more i will feel numb .

it isn't worth having the 10th time to happen and so it didnt happen aft all i guess .

when i see certain comments now , i will go "i expected it . wad else can i do ? i've rly tried all the things tht i can .. u said that u will blame urself first when things happen but i dun see u reflecting on ur own actions . idk wad i've done are right but at least, i've tried my best and tried my best to let have anymore rooms for regrets . at least, i'm trying hard . i noe u r trying hard too ... trying hard to complain .... .... .... "

like i told my fren "i will consider if he tries changing his racism and temper but i rly doubt that he will" .. mcp will hardly change ...

i'm a crazily weird person cos i can actually wanna laugh when i see u being so unreasonable or immature.

miscalculated my waking up time and ended up 30 mins earlier in sch . slept for ard 20 mins while waiting for frens to arrive before doing work at forum . that place is quite conducive except for the stuffy smell inside . i suck at chap 8 . need to redo it maybe tmr :) shall do chap 9 now .. (after my forensic heroes) HAHA . i rly rly rly love that show and it rly made me feel more interested in forensic science . the scenes like the gun shot paths and the heated superglue rly reminds me of my lecture :))

and i'm actually motivated by "forensic heroes" and forensic science ... :p

At least i didnt score as bad as i "did" . Got almost full marks for almost all the questions except for two ... and scored 0 for one .. i wrote down the name of the rule to b used n didnt get any marks ... thanks fedor :x

Wait . Im supposed to self psycho . I can do it i can do it i can do it T.T

it is no pt working so hard for anything , isnt it ....

results is out .

i'm just being plain stupid . flat .

idiot -_-

i'm not strong ... nor am i optimistic but i'm trying to be .

sometimes , i'm trying to stay strong so that i can cheer my frens up .

but sometimes, when i start to think abt negative things , i cnt hlp but emo ...

i need to try to psycho myself every now and den like i used to

the thing that i told my mum still holds :)

i cnt be alone at home .. cos i'll keep thinking of those things and hinder wad i initially tot of ..

i noe that some ppl might not wanna talk to me anymore .

wanna say one sentence but doubt that i'll ever say it out .

anw , i'm rly getting used to it alr .. just a bit more time ...

and i'll rly be immune like i used to be

actually felt that i can give up ..

but part of me just dun wanna give up .

part of me is just waiting for miracle ..

part of me still cnt let go of the feelings .

i suddenly felt that i was just lying to myself by saying that to my mum .

sometimes, i can see certain things for myself .

but at times , i nid other ppl's judgement to make reference ..... ......

i dun think that i'd actually be writing this in my public blog , but still , i felt like writing it down here .

i seriously dun like u being mcp and a racist . tried telling u to think of ways at both sides and not just being so critical and judged all of dem for the same but u tot that i'm trying to argue ..... in the end , we ended up being unhappy instead of trying to sort things out .

and u always tells me to decide the venue myself . i tried to cos i noe that u r tired (but actually i am .. i noe that if i were to tell u that i am , u'd say that i dun work and will definitely have more time to rest .. but , i have alot of things to do ... dun wanna spend dem resting so much . i'm actually struggling , u noe ?) aft selecting the venue and gng to the place , u complained abt it at times . well , since u dun like that place , just tell me and we i can try choosing another place agn ...

and well , u have a bad temper .. did try telling u to change but u actually told me that u r born lidat ... haix , we seriously have so many differences in our thinking . and , u rly think weirdly .. so much that i rly duno how to reply . i wanted to try telling u how i feel but held back . cos , u'll think that i'm trying to argue and we will end up being unhappy ... which i rly dun want that to happen .

but , u do have ur good pts . i love the parts that u r being super efficient in work . and this is why , i dun have to worry abt u not being able to finish ur assignment/ work . but u duno hw to tk care of urself ... i just want u to have ur meals .. even if u dun have time , at least just tk some quick bites . at least have sth .. and it hurts me to see u reply "i'll see to it" when i told u to have ur meals . it just made me worry for u .

also, i do feel that u care for me . at least u bother to at least state abt some unhappiness u have (though we end up being more unhappy) but WAIT . pls dun misunderstand my meaning here . i do like u voicing out hw u feel and u shld voice dem out . like i always say , "even if we are not able to solve the issue, at least just voice it out so that we can understand wad is actually happening". and when u have probs , at least just lemme noe . that is wad i'm here for ... i wanna help .. though idk wad i can do .. but at least , lemme noe and i'll share the burden . at least just share the sorrows . else, i'll feel like such a useless gf . well , i always feel useless .

i noe i shldnt count but , it has been a total of 7 times . (not the number of unhappiness ... everyone misunderstands this pt) . i have a feeling that it's gonna be the 8th time now ..

u noe , i think that everything seems so happy in the beginning where u always tries to show concern abt those sadness that i have .. but u have no idea that most of my sadness revolves ard u . if u r unhappy , i am too .. but i still wanna noe that u r unhappy . i want to share . i guess that we are of different lover . i only noe that i'm those kind of silly/stupid lover . ur feelings totally affect mine. if u r happy , i'll b v happy for u . if u dun tc of urself or is feeling sick or unhappy, i feel bad too . but i feel worse knowing that u stopped trying to care alot . i unds that u r feeling tired .. so am i . but i'm still trying my best to care abt u . maybe i shldn't have hoped tht u will care abt me like before . maybe i shld have wished that everything matters if u r being happy (though i noe that u r nvr happy ??????). i've no idea ... and i'm such a stupid lover that totally dun let ur bad pts make my feeling for u change . though they do irritate me and sadden me at times . sometimes, it is just that , u dun have to lose ur temper or be such a racist .. well, u r lidat and dun wanna change . wad can i say ? wad can i do ? and being such a mcp rly scares me .... cos my dad is one . and i dun rly like his character ..

okay . i'm right . it's the 8th times now ...

i dare to say that u r the first that i kept having hope that u will change for the better though i noe that it's tough . even my ex , i just let things be. at least for u , i kept trying to share and say things out ... hope that this patience dun ever runs out . if it does run out on u , it boils bad omen .

and i oso noe that it's no pt saying so much over here cos u'd nvr see it . and u nvr noe how i feel . i wanted to tell u everyting abt hw i feel, but conv always gets cut off in btwn wid more unhappiness . i'm not trying to argue , just trying to unds things from ur pt and standing in ur shoes .. speaking of this saddens me as i just felt that u may not realize that i'm always trying to stand in ur shoes .

i'm so heartbroken ... cos our conv just shortens and shortens and u cnt even study tgt wid me . else, we can rly meet up more ... i'm serious ... i noe u have ur difficulties doing so .. so i wun probe anymore . just wish that u can have more sleep (and once agn , i noe that it's impossible .)

i'm still trying and i feel that u r too though i can feel that part of u is giving up alr ...

am i the only one who is still trying to make that "clap" sound loud ? 一个巴掌是拍不响的。。

i want u to see this . but idk hw u wld feel aft seeing this .. will u think of the other way round , totally different from wad i actually wanna convey ? i think , just forget it . lemme just keep this here ..

zzz . i seriously duno wadth are u trying to say and think ...

wad's wid the dolling up part ..

hello ? i dun make up one okay ...

it is not wid priority !

it is that i felt weird by not making up when gng to such a high class place ...

the only times that i make up is when i go to CYA where i am required to make up ..

else i dun ..

seriously , why cnt u just ask me instead of assuming that it is due to priority .

u r the one who said that u dun wanna assume cos it is just making an ASS out of U and ME.

yet i felt the accusation , once agn ... haix .

seriously , if i dun put u as priority , i wun even want to meet u aft being so tired and busy wid work and when i have so many things undone .

and i noe that u will wanna say that i have so much time and u duno why i still dun have enough time to rest .

i suck at time management , okay ?

anw, i've told my mum how i felt and she actually felt relieved that i'm thinking this way .

not gng to say it here ...

but just , i've tot it thru ...

like seriously .

i rly thinks that i have mood swings very frequent recently . i can suddenly feel moody and suddenly feel happy at the other moment .

but well , on a happy note, i just finished my report for this wk . might need some editting tobe done and , im feeling okay right now ..

thanks to those that showed concerned to me , esp u .

i rly appreciate it ...

thanks all :)

hmm , this is bad ...

i always felt that my thinking is rly naive ... cos things happened proved it to be otherwise ..

i always tot that a r/s should be where both parties can talk almost everything and where they can talk to each other no matter wad happen. even if it's just some unhappiness btwn them , it can be sorted out by talking nicely and from dere , get to noe each other beta .

and i always tot that couples can study tgt , even if they ain't studying the same course or related courses. ain't couples supposed to chat wid each other (although not daily) ?? shouldn't they joke ard and stay happy , though they shld noe when they are required to be serious ?

shouldn't they try to communicate more via smses or any other communication media so as not to drift apart ? shldn't they ?

i've no idea .. aft so many things that had happened , i felt that these could be so wrong . but , does it matter now ? i doubt so ... my heart is starting to rly feel numb ... i'm starting to get used to those things and alr not joking to u ... so much that i felt that i'm starting to sound cold to those replies ...

but , isn't that wad u want ? since someone at ur age should be serious in EVERYTHING ... yes , u mean everything . so maybe i shall be super serious to u as well .. maybe when i see u the next time , i will just look at u seriously and talk to u seriously ...

though as much as i feel numb , my mind just wandered off easily recently ... my mind can just drift off during lessons , while walking and even doing my own things . time will definitely eventually make me not think as much , i guess . my mind needs to be kept occupied by other things .. sometimes when i'm taking the train , my eyes can just feel so hot suddenly that , ... .... .... .... (u noe ... ... ) that i quickly closed my eyes and tried to slp .

everything is giving me such a scare now . c++, cal, phy , and blahhhh .

i'm so tired of always thinking for another ppl .

i just dun wanna care , anymore . can i ?

And im so stupid ... ....

I want to cry ... i feel like crying but i didnt . I cnt ... i have no time ...

Bravo ...

Not gonna be nice to myself alr.. gonna burn the midnight oil tonight

i guess that i've been too nice to myself alr ... :/

i have only myself to blame for kinda slacking during the first 3 wks of sch ...

:(

wo bu gan le ...

not gonna do similar things when my nxt sem starts ..

but in the first place, am i able to pass my c++ ?

i'm starting to doubt myself ..

i took near 1 hr to solve one super simple question ...

i feel so demoralized now ...

i've studied ..

maybe i didnt study enough .. or maybe i'm just being plain stupid .

i noe jolly well that i'm slower than anyone else ..

so i need to work harder ..

i need to ..

cher , i demand a shorter resting time for u , no bargaining ...

time to study for c++ now ...

u need loads of revision..

put ur phy aside first

haix ...

i just , dun wanna give up .

i dun intend to be the top few ..

at least , just gimme some good grades ..

i feel so empty inside me now .

and ironically, i feel so lonely now .

it's not cos i dun feel the presence of anyone beside me now ..

it's just , i felt so empty inside out .

on e other hand, phone is seemingly working fine aft the repair but when i restarted my phone , the issue still remains .

maybe i shld monitor for a few more days .

i'm just so tired of gng bak down to request for repair again cos the sla is actually 1 wk rather than 1-2 days as claimed from dem .

i need my phone's cam for my sch work ..

and now, the wifi and mms ain't working well ...

i rly wonder why .

luckily someone is dere to hlp ..

and this made me ponder why someone else is always dere for me and u aren't ..

i noe that i always dun expect much ..

i just want u to be dere , (not always physically) when i rly need someone .

sometimes, u r dere but u always replied me in such tone that sounded equivalent to u being absent ..

the feeling is just so not explainable that idk hw to express out how i'm actually feeling ..

right now , we are both busy wid sch work .. it cld be a blessing in disguise as u can no longer say that "u r busy" though that is the truth because u r busy as well ..

i can feel so much relieved from the feeling of being "accused" of not accompanying u and making u feel as if u r single/ feeling the sense of loneliness, no different from the past .

this made me recall wad u said previously ..

it still hurts, u noe ?

maybe, i'm still fated to feel lonely after all, like wad i've always felt :)

talking to nic reminds me of wad happened previously ..

sometimes, it rly sets me thinking ...

gals need rly simple things like sense of security, assurances ..

why wld guys not understand ?

issit cos they dun understand or cos they dun bother understanding ??

we always put ourselves inside their shoes and i wonder for a moment if they did do such things ...

i noe that i have been slacking alot , to prevent myself from from being stressed up ..

alot of ppl cnt do their cprog test ..

though i used this to console myself, i noe perfectly well that i shld be able to do it if i were to practise more and harder ...

i need to buck up alr ..

shall use this recess week to rly buck up and chiong ..

i believe that i can do it de :)

jiayou ....

"if that's how u feel, i cant do anything to it". this is the sentence that hurt me the most , ever.

u are the one that can affect my mood and actually determine my mood of the day and yet u say this..

it's the fifth time alr . will it happen every single day ?

i'm super ..... sad ..

cher eng , stop being so naive . stop trying to think that YOU can actually cheer him up .

if he is sian , he will definitely be sian .

even if u try to put ur work aside and talk to him on the phone , you still have no idea of wad to talk to him :)

u will still make him sian.

dun be so naive alr .

u r nobody . u r nth :) u dun have the power to cheer anyone up , esp him

u are busy . u have no time . no matter how much u try to rush ur revision and work , u r still busy ..

dun be naive anymore .

u r a stupid gal :)

"my fren kept asking where u are. ask until i pekchek"

"oh hmm .. den wad did u say?"

"say u r busy lor . u are always so busy"

"but i'm not always busy ma .."

"you are always busy . but when u r not busy , i am busy. when i'm not busy, u r busy"
" hmm .."

idk wad to say .. sighs ..

u knew that i'm busy and kept saying that i'm busy .

i noe i am.. it's not as if i want it ..

but if u understand , why keep harping on it and made us so sian ?

i tried talking to u though i'm busy now and trying to rush my work and yet u kept sounding so sian . sighs ..

do u have any idea of hw i feel when i tried to lengthen the conv and tried to keep talking but all i received was a one word reply ?

i tried putting myself in ur shoe that i decided to ignore everything else and tried talking agn , but all i received was the same treatment .

i dun need any monetary awards nor any gifts from u .

all i want was a normal conv like before and no attitude from u .

issit so difficult to achieve ?

or issit cos i expected too much ?

i noe i shldn't be ranting too much over here cos i dun like ppl to noe too many things but , dere is only a few ppl whom i've given my blog link to and i doubt that they'd ever read this .

so it's fine i guess ?

and oso , it could be me giving an attitude reply or a seemingly-attitude reply ????

i no longer noe wad to say , wad to think or wad i shld be feeling .

i only noe that i want u to be happy but u seem to be sian all day long .

so i tried to talk more to u but i received sian-ned replies and even one word replies.

idk wad to continue but i didnt wanna give u one word reply too cos i dun like ppl giving those kinds of replies

knowing that u were at home the whole day , i tried to rush my work and meet u when i'm so beat aft sch but all i saw was ur sianned face .

not even a single smile .

maybe that could be the reason why i feel so happy even when i saw one smile from u .

and , i want u to rest early cos it's good for ur health ..

but u kept telling me that u cnt fall asleep ..

i want u to have proper meals and take care of urself more but u kept telling me that u have no choice and need to work .

i noe and i'm aware of that .

but , issit so difficult to treat urself slightly beta ?

at least, have proper meals to keep ur day gng .

wait . i guess that my life totally revolves ard u .. this feeling sucks cos u ain't happy most of the times .

this is equivalent to me not being happy most of the times too ..

i've nvr ever tot that someone's feelings can affect me so much .

not even my frens nor my ex ..

they are capable of affecting me for awhile, only.

different culture , like wad my fren used to tell me in my poly life ?

different thinking , definitely .

i initially wanted to rush part of my work and meet u aft that ..

but i guess that dere is no longer a need for this , since u said that i gave u such a reply.

maybe i did give an irritating reply but if u rly noe me well , u wld noe that i dun have any of such intention . u may tell me that u noe . but if u noe , u shld understand . wait , i shldn't have wished that u'd understand .

but , wad i knew was , the replies that u gave were obviously irritated ones .

i decided to off my phone and charge cos it's left wid 1%. (that's my habit to off phone when it's charging)

aft awhile , i decided to on it and charge just to reply u and try to cheer u up .

once again , i received a one word reply .

i tried to talk sth else but dere isn't any reply thereafter .

feeling disappointed , i off my phone again ..

i feel so terrible now . i noe i shldn't ..

i noe i cnt afford to .

but i cnt help it .

and this is the fourth time ..... that i .......... (u noe .. wait . u duno)

if you noe that ur temper is bad , den jolly well curb it

if you noe that u lack in patience , den jolly well change urself !

idk if i'm that persistent or that i just have that much faith in u .

when high hopes turned to disappointment ..

maybe i shldn't have hoped that u wld always talk to me nicely .

i'm of cos aware that some ppl will tend to have lower patience talking to ppl whom they are closer wid .

i need ...to stop thinking ...so much

tdy is my bday!! ^^

saw alot of wishes in fb and hp :P

for the first time, so many ppl wished me face to face .

normally i will be at home during my bday cos it always falls on my exam period . LOL

and coincidentally, my lab partner has the same bday as me . HAHA

this is the first time i wished someone happy bday on my bday :p

anw , ziyu got me a gift . thanks fish !

had a super long day tdy , till 7.30 pm

while otw bak home , i was sooooo beat but idk why i have this particular hunch .

i actually felt that u will come and look for me.

but i reached pr and felt that it might be impossible .

i kept telling myself to not think so much cos i dun wanna have a false hope .

i just walked super slowly while walkin back home

just when i reached my hse , my phone rang

u called and told me to go out of my hse

dere u r , standing right in front of me . LOL !

omg , i didnt noe that my hunch could be that accurate !!

not totally surprised though.

but definitely felt v happy :)

thanks alot :)

and oso , i've quitted SH for quite a while le .. no pt stirring rumours agn and say "she is ur fav" LOL ! wad a joke leh , guys .

and , my gums hurt :/

that made me not have appetite for food recently .

sometimes, i can just feel hungry but cnt force the food into my mouth .

so , i just abandoned the thought of eating .

and i only have one meal tdy ;/

ain't feeling well recently .

gums pain and having lesser and lesser time to slp .

cos , i have loads of things to do

mechanics/phy.

matlab,

origin,

lab,

report,

calculus,

forensic science recorded lecture (to listen)

and some others which i cnt recall now .

i cnt believe that i teared agn over .... .... . it's the 3rd time alr i guess (if i didnt rmb wrongly)

i'd still wanna talk things over , each time it happened .

and oso , i hope that things will be resolved . i rly hope so .. if that is the best solution out , i hope that they wld become happier doing that decision. i have no say abt it actually . but wad i can do is to try to advise

HAHA this is funny .

i saw this from one of my fb's closed grp .

one of the student was like wanting to extend lesson cos one of the lesson on wed is cancelled.

i still rmb how my frens in poly / sec sch wanted to pon lesson or be so happy that lesson is cancelled .

this is ironic :P

you always said that i am not u and thus , idk wad u r feeling .

but do u have any idea that i've always been trying to put myself in ur shoes that i tried feeling how u r feeling ?

so that i will consider ur feelings and try not to make u unhappy .

but apparently , i'm such an useless person that i failed to do so .

cos u're still unhappy .

shouldn't we try to stay happy no matter wad happens?

u noe that such things are inevitable .

shouldn't u kan kai ?

wait . i've told u before but u kept saying that i'm not u and duno wad u r feeling .

like i've said , it's rly not as if i dun wanna meet u .

i noe that if i'd me , i'll definitely understand that u need to study , need to work.

when i was super free previously , i understand that u need to work and tried to encourage u when u feel stressed up / sianned while working .

i told u that i understand and tell u to jiayou while working .

i've nvr complained that u're busy .

but before i started sch, u alr feel down and even emo cos u said that we'd have lesser time to meet .

thus , i told u that i'll try to find time out but i'll definitely be busy cos i have sch and i want to study hard as well .

still , u emo .

idk wad to do and felt lousy .

i always felt so down when u r feeling down as well .

i tried to cheer u up but u always gimme short replies and sound down .

i rly rly rly duno wad to do .

but when my sch start , u kept saying that i'm busy .

yes , i agree . but i'm not as busy as u r .

so , i said "you are busy oso ma"

i always have this naive hope that u'd at least say "jiayou" to encourage me .. at least one "jiayou" but i've nvr ever heard this word from u before .

but , it's okay .

i just hope that u'd understand that i'm busy wid my sch work as well .

but apparently , idk if u do .

cos we were supposed to be meeting at 4 tdy . u were aware that i have alot of things undone .

so i suggested meeting u at 4 and maybe leave at ard 9+ cos i have to wk up early for sch tmr and i'm rly feeling stressed up .

talking abt stress , i was feeling stress a few days ago and u called me .

hearing that i didnt talk much on the phone , u emo agn .. sighs .

u noe , i felt so bad when u emo ?

that i have to call u back and abandon the thought of continuing my revision.

oh , back to wad happen tdy , after hearing me say that i need to go off early , u said that u'd rather me stay at home and study since we will only be meeting for ard 4 hrs only and u dun want me to waste my time travelling .

when i heard this , do you noe that i felt so relieved ? for a moment , i tot that u understand ..

but on the other hand , i rly tried to chiong my revision , bearing a tiny thought that i'd still be able to meet u .

thus , i went to prepare myself and smsed u at ard 4, asking u if u want me to come out .

cos if u do , i'm always ready to leave my hse immediately and meet u at ard 5.30.

at most , i'll leave at a later time .

at most , i'll leave at ard 10+

still , u told me to stay at home but ur tone sounded sian obviously .

u noe that i rly felt bad ?

i'm in a dilemma .

i wanna meet u but i rly have work left undone .

u told me to stay at home but u sounded so sad .

i rly duno wad to do nor say .

for a moment , i foolishly hope and wish that u'd rly understand that me being busy and not meet u is inevitable and u will NOT emo .

cos wheneva u emo , it'd soooooo affect me that i'll do the same thing.

and u noe , aft that msg at ard 4 plus , i cnt concentrate studying .

and for a moment , i wished that i had insisted meeting u so that i'll meet u and not stare into space blankly , for hrs .

i do not wish to compare , but i see other couple encouraging each other and seem so happy tgt (at least on the surface).

i noe that u do treat me well but , maybe i just expect more ?

maybe i jsut expect u to be abit understanding and not emo .

i felt so bad seeing u like this .

and when u said "i have wasted my day doing nth" rly made me feel so bad .

it's not as if i dun wanna meet u .

and i noe that u would never ever read this post and noe wad i'm thinking .

and i'd never noe wad i shld be reflecting to u .

idk ,idk , idk .

wad shld i be doing ???

i rly have no freaking idea .

dere are alot of things which i wanted to say and yet , i duno where to start from and wad to begin wid ..

ah , i have alot of things to be accomplished ! D:

i need to do my tutssssssssss !!

i always go to the tut classes , feeling clueless .

guess i'm too slow to understand.

i will keep practising and hope that i can do those questions and when i ask questions , i will understand dem v quickly ! D:

why aren't ppl telling me the truth or telling me things of wad they think ? :(

ever since the strt of the sch ,

i find myself getting tired and hungry easily

but i think i MAY be getting used to it tdy cos i didnt feel hungry that fast alr .

and i rly feel like falling asleep in the lecture.

i need to try to stay awake (wait . i'm alr trying ><)

HAHA . i dun wanna or like to slp during classes ..

D:

ah , jy !

i'm so slow .

it's till now that i just realized that most poly and jc students have a big diff .

my brain still heven process and they have alr done out the answers..

bravo, cher eng

hahaha .

omg . i'm dying soon ! D:

everyone is busy mugging when only the first wk of sch has just passed.

and some others have alr mugged on the first week of sch .

and i mean , mugged hard o.o

sometimes, i actually have this naive thinking in my mind .

i always felt that , if i were to treat ppl the way that i want dem to treat me , they will change their attitude towards me .

let's say , if i want ppl to be more patient wid me , i just need to be more patient wid dem and they may do the same thing to me .

for a moment , i wished that by being more patient to dem , they wld think this way : since she is so patient to me , why cnt i be patient to her as well ? and eventually, they will be nicer to me .

i noe i'm blur and slow and stupid (so that's why , i need ppl to talk slowly to me .. but of cos not that slow till the extent that i will fall asleep HAHA. )

idk if this will work . or maybe it wun . *thinking*

but even if it wun work , i will still try to treat ppl nicely

only had a one hr lesson tdy!

was supposed to go home straight aft 10.30 but ended up having brkfast wid frens in the canteen

checked email and realized that my ezlink card can be collected alr .

went to fren's hall to slack for awhile and

den proceeded to student service centre to collect it ! :DD hee so happy .

fren wld be buying a present for our exclassmate and will b giving to him .

we actually planned to not chip in and buy the present separately but aft that , decided to share the $20++ gift among the both of us .

zy went to ask sq if he wanna chip in as well, so that we wld each pay slightly lesser than $10 .

but , sq went to ask another 3 ppl if they wld like to chip in along wid us .

in the end , the gift is shared among the 6 of us x.x

bought sth else for my another fren as belated bday :x haha . cannot say anything much cos she may see this .

and , i was telling my mum that , for the 3 yrs in poly , this is the first time i went out wid my fren to choose presents cos i normally only chip in and that's all HAHA

i'm trying hard to understand u .

i'm trying hard to put myself in ur shoes.

i'm trying hard to give explanation for ur feelings

woo! electives ! here i come agn !!!!

haix . wad can i say ?

i have sch and it's not that i went out to play wid frens .

me being busy can make ppl moodless.

wad is this .

what do u guys look for before getting into a r/s?

looks ? personality ? feelings ? or even , if this person make u feel comfortable.

if this person A is, lets say, super fat and ugly but let u feel v happy wid and this person B is super pretty but has some attitude prob .. which one would u choose ?

maybe some ppl will choose person B and think that he/she can try to change person B .

for me , wad most impt is to be able to get along well with that party.

if this person quarrels wid u often as frens , how on earth will u be able to be tgt wid that person ?

likewise, if u cannot understand wad this person is trying to convey in most of his/her sentences, how are u guys able to communicate.

i've experienced both before.

as much as i would like to accept/continue, i cnt .

also, i dun look for someone that's holding on to some super high positions .

so long as he is willing to work hard, i'm v happy wid it alr.

but things , are always not as easy as ABC.

sometimes, ppl or situation tends to complicate matters.

i want to solve things but things are always go out of my hand.

take ur matter for instance.

i admit that i didnt make things clear in the first place.

you come into my mind at times, though not as often alr and i wonder, how would things turn out to be if i were to say things out clearly in the first place.

but , at the back of my mind, i noe that things wld still be the same as now .

maybe it's beta for the both of us .

and you , i told things to u alr and all i need was time to consider and try and think but u dun get it, or didnt want to get it ?

that, i cnt say for certain cos i've no idea as well.

i wonder how things are gng for u .

but this rly affected me , till i experienced that slpless nite .

but when u get to noe wad happened, u didnt cheer me up.

rather, you made me feel worse.

i noe u feel bad too but , you didnt try to at least cheer me up.

just two words "cheer up" wld be v sufficient but that nvr come out from ur mouth.

maybe i expected too much from you .

i need my pillar but , dere seem to be none anymore .

where have they gone ?

did i chase dem off, one by one ?

perhaps :)

but , no matter how ugly things become , i'm v certain that things will turn out for the better.

i believe that at least i can try to change the outcome .

if i were to tell myself "i cnt do it . just forget it . just let it be" for every ugly situation , dere wun be any beautiful picture .

i cnt be "falling" over every obstacles and not trying to pick myself up and getting myself injured w/o anyone seeing it .

but , i just need some encouragement to give me that extra "push" and den , i can advise myself to give it , one more try

my mind is in a turmoil now .

forget it .

electives, here i come. but which one of u is willing to lemme in ?

all i want is , encouragement .

but when i feel down , all i received was stress

issit so difficult to understand and put urself in my shoe , rather than telling me to put myself in ur shoe when i always did ?

if time dun permits, just let it be since schedule is fixed.

sighs . idk wad to say .

i dun wanna quarrel and i noe that u dun want too .

u have ur own thinking , and i have mine too .

how should i put it to let u understand ?

and thanks blog for listening to my rants.

seeya

my pillar of support are always gone , aft some time

was browsing thru twitter and found a few things about virgo that's interesting and kinda true !

you will not be able to judge a virgo easily as they try their best hiding their feelings and often succeed in this

For virgo, ideal companions are those who appreciate love shown through considerate and helpful actions rather than romantic gestures

Virgo, are generally reticent when facing with anything or anyone new. However, once they feel comfortable, they can talk up to a storm (very agree wid this ! ^^)

The difficult part of having a virgo partner is that this sign is introvert in nature and so you cannot make out what is in his/her mind

As a virgo, you may be sentimental but you're far more practical. You choose with your head before your heart

Virgo are usually cleaner, healthier and tidier than the rest of us and they are patient. (LOL. healthier!?)

Virgo appreciate a direct and tactful lover, prizing honesty and openness over outwardly outlandish flirting styles

As a Virgo, your temperament pushes you to get along with any sign, although some of them will later prove to be dangerous for you

When a Virgo falls in love, he or she really means it . The trouble is, though, that the Virgo knows it, but you don't

Virgos are very modest, and hate blowing their own trumpets. Even when they win accolades and awards they'll prefer to keep quiet. (sure not ? HAHA. i will noe when i win but i doubt that i will ! :P)

i dun like to tell my bro which notes i've printed out or books that i've bought cos he'd say "this is not useful de"

i went to the popular and the book that ive bought is inside my syllabus and my senior highly recommend it cos he said that the exam questions will come from that book and he's a scholar o.o

it's not that i dun believe my bro, but it's that me and him are not studying the same course T.T

but wadeva it is , i've alr bought and printed out the notes / book le .

will be studying dem when lecturer go thru the chapters.

i nid to get it back . haix ...

idk wad's wid me but i find it irritating.

i wasn't like this last time .

ever since that incident, i freaking hate stalkers.

ever since that incident, i can't tolerate myself to feel bad over little things

ever since that incident, i wun do this and that.

hate it .

3 ..

nope, is 4 .

i noe u wun be seeing this .

i noe that this issue may seem like quite a while ago (or maybe not).

i noe that saying anything else wun make things beta.

i noe that saying anything wun make u feel beta

i noe that you wun be believing me but,

i just wanna say.

i want to apologize though i noe that it's no use doing so.

i just want to bare my heart out though that i noe that u wun be seeing nor believing wad i said.

i noe that i didnt handle this issue well but i rly didnt mean to hurt anyone.

i tried making things clear but maybe not clear enough.

but i rly rly tried my best to salvage things.

but i still cnt.

i dun like to betray my own feelings so that's why i tried to tell u how i felt back den.

nvm. u wun believe nor read this anw.

i'm sorry ... .. .

vincent's dad came to PM me in fb .

and i tot of his son agn .

ah sighs.

i wanted to ask if they are still doing well but , i scared i will accidentally make them recall of the sad things.

it's been like 1.5 yrs le .

hope u r still doing fine up dere .

i noe many ppl miss u .

haix.

but i hope that ur family members will be beta , rly hope so from the bottom of my heart .

*prays*

ppl lament when things are gone when they nvr cherish.

and it's no pt or no use for u to keep harping over it.

me and xx were waiting for this grp of ppl.

during this super long wait, we sorta chatted.

me: they are taking so long to reach . *:(*

xx: ya. the results should be out alr.

me: har? wad results?

xx: now is alr july. so the result slip should out alr.

me: O.O? HAR? wad result is that?

xx: ur bro should received the results alr i think? how did he fare?

me: har? *thinks* uni results u mean? idk. didnt ask him.

xx: oh. *haha*

den aft that when they were playing pool,

xx suddenly approached me and said

xx: u shld be prepared for ur uni alr. u dun have to choose ur courses during the first yr which is good.

me: oh o.o why so random !? LOL

gosh. random rite ! LOL

sometimes i rly wonder why i kept saying "i'm fine" and "it's okay" when i noe perfectly that things ain't fine !?

i'm obviously affected by it/dem but i just smiled at ppl, feeling sad.

it's not that i'm putting on a facade.

it's just .. .. idk how to say.

sometimes, i just questioned myself, issit cos i dun want anyone to worry abt me?

or issit just cos i'm too used to saying "it's okay" that i'll feel weird by not saying that?

someone just told me "you're always giving in". this sentence made me shocked. am i?

do i? i dun think so. i do not know. i have no idea. i doubt so?

weird.feeling.